Don’t think too much.
Don’t worry so much.
Calm down.
Don’t fret.
Settle down.
Why can’t you just enjoy it?
You’re making a big deal about nothing.
Why can’t you ever be satisfied?
Be grateful.
What is there to be upset over?
Let it be.
It was fine before you said anything.
Relax.
Why can’t you just enjoy it?
You’re making a big deal about nothing.
Why can’t you ever be satisfied?
Be grateful.
What is there to be upset over?
Let it be.
It was fine before you said anything.
Relax.
My first year of college, I read Stephen Dunn’s essay A History of My Silence for a creative writing class. The title of this essay from Dunn’s powerful Memoirs came to me today,15 years later. As I reread his ruminations on silence – “To ‘hold one’s tongue’ can either be moral or immoral or neither, depending on the context” and “The education of my silence is ongoing and, I hope, subject to revision.” – I asked myself What is the history of my silence?
Those who know me well, and likely many of my readers, would probably respond – You have no history of silence! While it’s true that I am not a particularly private person, I sometimes skip over mundane small talk too rashly, and I’ve been known to have an opinion or two, in many ways the history of my silence is profound.
Without the written word and an innate desire to connect, discuss, and feel ideas out with others, I think I would live acutely within my own head. I often leave a conversation thinking about the things that weren’t said; longing to connect over the tricky stuff, the grey areas, the things that kept us awake the night before, the questions weighing us down, and the hurt written on our hearts.
Good friends go there at times, yes, and we’re not going to bare our souls to every stranger, but I think the silence can be deafening. Words, thoughts, and ideas stifled and locked up out of fear, insecurity, shame, guilt, and uncertainty. People looking for their place, seeking support, asking questions of deep importance to no one.
I think we are conditioned in our culture to keep things in, to not make a fuss, to not over think things or make a big deal from a young age. This seems to be especially true with women. We have Facebook and social media now, where some let their alter-ego colors fly, but others remain silent, keeping the real stuff inside.
“My wife does not believe in my shyness or my years of discomforting silence, which I’ve told her about,” Dunn explains. “From the beginning, her affection for me and her belief that I was smart gave me permission to speak. I spoke. I was even bold. She allowed me to appear as if I knew what I was doing and saying.”
I wonder what I teach my children about silence. How often I unintentionally tell them to keep it down, not make a fuss, to stop worrying. How often I am enabling silence in those I love when I could be moved, emboldened, humbled, or educated by their words.
I think of how often I am silent and ask how my silence protects me. How it distances me from loved ones, undermining my trust in their love. How my silence prioritizes fear over truth.
Dunn says of silence, “Once my silence possessed me. Now that I possess it, I’d like to learn to better let it go, to let it find its necessary speech.”
I love hearing another perspective on the subject of silence. I have such a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I always have to remind myself to think before I speak.
I too talk WAY too much. And often times, I DO create a problem that wasn’t really there (or at least wasn’t AS bad!) Great post!
It’s interesting – I talk too much about NOTHING when I’m nervous, and often keep the important things bottled-up inside. I did research in grad school on the role of journaling in women’s lives…my findings were that this is where a lot of women [in my study] ‘voiced’ their thoughts, feelings, and opinions most.
There is nothing silent or quiet about me. I talk way to much, often at the annoyance of others.
I like the thought of silence being moral or immoral. I have a friend who always says that she “can’t say something” because it is gossip. On the contrary, I think sometimes being silent causes more damage.
Nice post!