Car Seat Safety Advocacy: How We’re Getting it Wrong

The car seat safety message seems so simple. After all, there are no organized anti-car seat safety advocates. Every parent is for safety. So, why does it seem like car seat safety guidelines have become just another episode in the never-ending mommy wars saga? I think the intentions are good, but the delivery system is off, causing drama, hurt feelings, and frustration all-around. Here’s why:

Are You Mocking Me?

If you follow any sort of parenting sites or blogs, you’ve certainly seen them. Bloggers spot a celebrity buckling their child improperly, turning

their toddler too soon, or using a booster before four and they pounce. The celebrity’s mistake becomes an instant meme or object lesson, meant to inform the world about car seat safety. People jump in to judge and comment, declaring that celebrities should “know better,”  insisting that they would never make these same mistakes, and bemoaning how people can be so dumb.

Whenever I see these posts, I cringe at the idea of being under such scrutiny and I despise the idea of being a parenting object lesson for what not to do. In the midst of all the judgment, I often relate to the imperfect celebrity. I consider engaging in the conversation, but see car seat safety advocates as a rigid, all or nothing group. When they mock these photos, I think of them mocking me and the small mistakes I make. This doesn’t exactly entice me to continue reading for additional advice.

“Legitimate” Concerns

Sometimes bloggers simply use their social media sites as a forum for advocating for improved car seat safety. They assume readers might not know about the new safety recommendations. They are passionate about safety and want to encourage people to choose the safest route, even if it is not yet required or regulated by law. I admire this goal and their initiative for advocacy.

The problems tend to come, however, when people engage with questions or concerns the blogger deems insignificant.

Your child is tall and their legs get scrunched sitting rear facing? The response: This is about safety. Deal with it.

Your 2 year-old screams incessantly when rear facing, making driving in the car miserable, even bordering on unsafe. The response: Safety is more important than comfort. Deal with it.

Staying rear facing for so long doesn’t make sense to you developmentally and is especially frustrating for younger siblings. The response: Safety, stupid.

Advocacy is awesome, but tone matters if you want to keep a captive audience. We all get it – safety is a priority. But we all make judgment calls when it comes to parenting, right? And it helps to have concerns even just acknowledged as real challenges, as legitimate frustrations. If an advocate simply responds in a condescending, dismissive tone, it’s much easier to dismiss their message.

Consider the Source

This may sound harsh, but I call BS on some of the most adamant car seats advocates who insist that safety trumps all. I would assert that parenting requires taking a great deal of factors into consideration and that we all pick and choose which resources and recommendations to follow.

For example, I just spent 3 days in a highly regarded hospital last week after giving birth. My environment provided consistent reminders about how to safely care for my new baby. One of the most prominent recommendations was posted on my baby’s bed and consistently emphasized by nurses – it was ok for me to hold a sleeping baby, but baby should not be in bed with a sleeping mommy. At our first appointment with the pediatrician, I was also asked about co-sleeping and reminded that baby is safer sleeping alone in his bed.

I know that many car seat safety activists have read and heard this same advice, some of it from the same car seat safety advocates that they consistently site. But they co-sleep because they have determined that comfort, attachment, nursing convenience, and more outweighs these safety concerns. The same could be said for not vaccinating or a delayed schedule. These are all safety concerns with the weight of expertise and long-term studies behind them.

With this in mind, it seems prudent to rethink how we talk about car seat safety and treat others who don’t tow the car seat line in every way we believe they should.

I Can’t Keep Up and If it Ain’t Broken…

Wouldn’t it be terrific if safety and care recommendations for children remained consistent over time? I’m the mom of four kids,ages 8, 5, 3, and 2 weeks. Every time I brought a baby home from the hospital over the past 8 years, I went home with updated “instructions.” Sometimes they were new and sometimes they meant going back to an old way of doing things. Should I clean the umbilical cord area or leave it alone? Swaddle tightly or loosely? Bathe baby daily or stagger baths?

Every time we purchase a new car seat, we agonize over safety, comfort, longevity, and cost. A car seat is a serious investment…one that expires. Plus, it seems that advocates are fans of promoting (understandably) the most expensive, luxurious car seats through their affiliate links. I have no doubt that these are top notch when it comes to my child’s comfort and safety, but the cost is prohibitive, especially if it seems like it won’t meet safety standards when they change in the next year.

In reality, keeping up with the recommendations, especially when they are dished out with a side of derision and mocking, can be discouraging. It can be easy to look at your healthy, happy older children who survived the forward facing switch at one and say, “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?”

Advocating vs Lecturing/Criticizing 

Ultimately, I am all for advocacy, but to be effective, it needs to be done with conviction and compassion. No one wants to be shamed into action or feel ganged up on. I know the intentions behind car seat safety advocacy are excellent and well-meaning and their efforts matter. That’s why I’d love to see them exit the mommy wars altogether.

For me personally, the best advocates incorporate the following:

• Don’t aim to fix people, but to offer information when they’re ready.
• Acknowledge and address barriers.
• Offer simple, actionable steps, rather than an “all or nothing” approach.
• Create a safe space for questions and concerns.
• Keep things positive – advocate for safety, not against people.
• Remember, change comes gradually and information is plentiful.
• Stay positive and count small successes.