The baby formula container looms over me. I glance again at the discount coupon peeking out of my wallet, then slip it back in. An awkwardness sets over me as I stare at my options; from soy, to sensitive, to pre-mixed. The usual guilt sets in and I immediately push my cart down the aisle. I’ll make one more furtive pass through the infant section before completing my shopping trip, too indecisive to purchase.
Each time I consider supplementing with formula, even to just have as “back up” to expressed milk, I hear voices of dissent:
- The nurse who grins at me in delight each time I confirm that we are “exclusively” breastfeeding, confiding how happy that makes her.
- The woman who donated breast milk to the hospital in case my baby would need to be fed while I recovered from my c-section.
- The patient lactation consultant with the sign behind her detailing why “breast is best.”
- The voice inside my own head determined to never let formula touch my baby’s lips.
Then there’s the competing voice, blurting out to my husband the other night, “I don’t want to feel like I’m being held hostage to nursing.” *Gasp* Did I really say that?
I adore my son and enjoy bonding with him through nursing. When he pauses mid eating to grin up at me, it’s a highlight of my day. Plus, there are no bottles to mix, sanitize, or pack in the diaper bag when we travel.
If I am completely honest, though, I’ll admit that breastfeeding is one of the most challenging things about having a fourth baby. And I feel guilty just writing that statement.
Pumping is a chore, especially when a baby is already a demanding nurser, and I have 3 other children needing my attention. When baby decides to go on an all-night nursing marathon and I long for a solid 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I want to wake my husband up to give him a bottle. The idea of using breast milk when I’m right there always holds me back. If we use that milk at night, then where’s the back up for the day when I want to volunteer, take a child on an outing, or shop by myself?
Trust me, I hear that sharp voice in my head responding to all of these complaints. Be grateful you can nurse! It’s only for a short time. This isn’t about you. Motherhood is sacrifice. Nursing is bonding. Do hard things.
I’m grateful for breastfeeding support, thankful for committed advocates. I’m glad there are voices saying, “You can do it!” and “Great job!”
But there’s a place inside me that also needs to hear
- I know you’re tired. It’s okay to take care of yourself.
- You’re doing the best you can and that’s what counts.
- Supplementing is a valid choice.
- Some days breastfeeding isn’t all unicorns and sunshine.
- I’m here to listen to your frustrations without judgment.
If you are a breastfeeding mama – full time, part time, pumping, supplementing, just finished, hanging in there, or loving it – know that it’s normal for nursing to sometimes tax you to your emotional and physical limitations.
If you have a voice inside you like I do, adding guilt or shame to your experience, replace it with support. You deserve words of validation, encouragement, sympathy, and support, whatever your choices.
I found this beautiful compilation of The Best Breastfeeding Advice from Mama in the Now and it gave me the lift I needed. Read it and take in the words that nourish you. Leave the rest.
– and just that quickly you totally made my day. I am SO thrilled to hear that my list of breastfeeding advice served it’s intended purpose.
And you are right – it’s hard… it’s tiring, it’s rewarding, it’s taxing, it’s fulfilling and it’s draining (pun intended)… but you are DOING IT!!! With each completed nursing session you are DOING IT!!!!
I am also the mother of four (as you may know)… it sure is a lot of kids… but SO worth it! Thanks for finding me!
Hi Tove! I loved that post and, after sharing it on twitter last week, it stayed on my mind. Thanks for gathering those beautiful quotes and for stopping by my blog. 🙂
Oh my goodness, I hear you! Breastfeeding is amazing . . . . but I don’t think anybody ever talks honestly about how hard it can be to never feel like you have control of your own body (that you aren’t having to take your physical presence into account for all the decisions you make or plan ahead of time where/when you’ll pump if you’ll be going somewhere or how long you can be out before you’ll need to come back to feed again). Neither of my kids were EXCLUSIVELY breastfed for very long for a variety of reasons, and I’m totally content with my decisions. I just hope whatever you end up doing you feel good about in your heart and don’t let any external voices influence you. Just do what is best for you guys!
Thanks for sharing, Carolyn! I was talking with some friends about this today and the crazy thing is, it’s all expectations for myself. I don’t judge other moms who supplement. I was bottle fed and so were my sisters and I think my mom rocks. I really appreciate your kind words!
I know this sounds cliche, but this time will pass, and you will miss it. I know that doesnt really help, but perhaps it will. As a mom who is now done nursing her 4th (and final biological) baby, part of me wishes I was you. I miss those days. I don’t miss being up all night and I don’t desire having another baby, but I do miss breastfeeding. Hang in there mama, you are doing an amazing job and are an inspiration. You are also a great mother and teaching your children everyday to stick to what they believe in.
Thanks, Cat! That means so much to me. I really appreciate your kind words. 🙂
I think it’s great that you can pump and just let go. I can’t let go of the nursing, so I miss out on things for now, but I’m okay with that (most of the time). Sometimes? It’s irritating. Having a toddler who wants to marathon nurse when you just had your first drink of alcohol in months, and won’t be soothed by daddy? So annoying. But knowing you are wanted and needed and only you will do? Priceless.
Yep, in one month I will have been breastfeeding for 5 years, 2 kids. What the what? I’m beyond ready to have my body back. Breast milk is important, but so is a sane mother. You’re a good mom, and you will do what’s best for your kids. Hugs.