I wish I could say that depression never affects my parenting; that a blue day for me never means one for my kids. I wish I could say that I have never relied on the TV to entertain when I barely had the energy to get up or that I have never hid in the bathroom crying because I felt overwhelmed by the noise and chaos. But I can’t.
I can say that parenting with depression is challenging. Despite these challenges, being a great parent through depression is possible. If you’ve wrestled with depression in the past or if your black dog still follows you some days, it can be easy to get down on yourself. I am no expert by any means, but I struggle too. When I do, these are the things that get me through:
1. Know Your Triggers. Some days, depression is inexplicable, creeping in unexpectedly, or it never really went away, working on a continuous loop. Other times, you hit a bad patch in the middle of a series of “good days” and you can track it to a trigger. This can be an event, milestone, person, or experience, such as sleep deprivation. Recognizing and acknowledging these triggers often helps me to put things into perspective, so I can resist depression spirals.
For example, I can tell when sleep deprivation is taking a toll on me as a parent. Few life experiences prepare you for a sustained lack of rest, while daily meeting the physical and emotional needs of others. On days where I find myself reaching an emotional breaking point due to lack of sleep – short tempered, frustrated, uncompromising, guilty for being so – I re-prioritize my day. This might not mean a nap, but it can mean setting aside some to-dos to read a book, close my eyes and cuddle 
with my toddler, or arrange for an hour to myself that evening while my spouse takes over.
2. Learn to Say “No.” This feels like such a cliche’, I know, but emotional health requires recognizing your needs and prioritizing them. If getting up today and spending quality time with your kids is all you have in you, it’s okay to skip that PTA meeting. If soccer practices, doctor’s appointments, and that looming deadline are bringing on anxiety, you don’t have to take a turn volunteering at church right now. Learn to say “no” to guilt, pressure, and “shoulds.” This will free you to say “yes” to things you know rejuvenate you – random games of tag, date night, a hot bath – while maintaining the emotional health to parent through challenges you can’t say “no” to – homework, tantrums, fights.
3. Learn to Say “Yes.” At 9 months pregnant, with 3 older children, I decided to volunteer at the elementary school library on Fridays. As I waddled in, I could tell the librarian wondered if I was up to the task. But I enjoyed volunteering for an hour or two each week. I was uncomfortable no matter what I did and it felt good to contribute meaningfully and get outside of the house and myself. I stopped volunteering after my c-section for a time, but returned a few months later.
Volunteering at the library actually helps fill up my personal reserves, helping my emotional and mental health. This is my litmus test for “yes.” I know the everyday things that are an automatic “yes” for me and my family. Beyond those things, what else can I say “yes” to right now, if anything?
4. Prioritize Physical Health. This is not an admonition to join a gym or adopt a rigorous exercise and diet regime. As someone who sometimes eats candy for breakfast and then eats my feelings for the rest of the day, I get it. Physical health is hard to prioritize when mental health requires so much energy. I personally try to prioritize physical health on a smaller scale that isn’t about adopting big habits or major changes in routine.
For me, it’s remembering to buy lemons at the store to put in a pitcher of water I keep in the fridge. It’s putting down my cell phone for a rigorous game of tag or wrestling. It’s walking to the school to pick up my kids a few times a week once the sun is out. It’s limiting the snacks and treats, but not getting rid of them entirely. It’s having quick, healthy foods on hand to encourage better choices.
5. Ask for and Accept Help. Sometimes asking for help feels like too much work. It’s embarrassing. No one will understand. In truth, you don’t have to bare your soul to someone to ask for help. I actually find that having a playmate over for my child frees up my time to a certain degree. Maybe asking for help comes in the form of a weekly play date exchange with a friend. Perhaps asking for help looks like re-evaluating the division of labor in your home and asking your partner to take on some new tasks. Maybe depression is no longer creeping in, but seeping in and it’s time to arrange an appointment with a counselor. Whatever it is, you don’t need to go through this alone.
6. Know there will be Hard Days. I feel like I’m in a pretty good place right now. The phrase “I have my depression under control” seems fitting. But some days are still difficult, with my black dog dodging my steps. Sometimes I can pinpoint where I lost my control, but many times depression hovers for no specific reason. On those days, parenting can feel like running a marathon. It can seem like I’m contributing everything I’ve got and I’m still not impressed with my performance.
On those days, I have to remind myself that I am not my depression. I remind myself that I can try again tomorrow, doing my best to avoid punishing myself and reviewing my perceived weaknesses. Instead, I make it through today, or as Kimmy Schmidt would say, “Do you think you can make it through the next 10 seconds?”
In truth, sometimes I don’t know I’ve been battling dark days until a better day arrives and the beauty shines through. But they come and they help me to seek out that beauty in the days and weeks to come.
7. Recognize that All Parents Struggle. Depression certainly presents unique challenges for parents, but it doesn’t have to isolate us from our peers. All parents are struggling with the highs and lows of having children. They feel overwhelmed, uncertain, and critical of themselves. It can be easy to forget that a bad day might just be a bad day for any parent – with or without depression. You can do this.
Photo Credit: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Reddit.
Seriously good, thoughtful ideas for any parent! It’s always good for us to realize it’s ok to say no to some things to better care for our families and ourselves. Thanks.
Thanks, Susan. I think that taking care of ourselves makes the other things possible – when we’re ready to do more.
Thank you for this. I have had a rough day. Just knowing I am not alone in my struggles helps immensely.
Desi – I woke up yesterday morning just feeling the need to post this. I am grateful it made a difference for your day.
Just wanted to say thank you for writing this 🙂 We’ve definitely been going through a rough patch over here lately as well, and I can relate to a lot of your suggestions! (That 10 second quote is great. A friend with HG said a nurse had told her something similar when she was first hospitalized for it, and I think of it ALL THE TIME when dealing with morning sickness!) I also find that sometimes you just have to not only re-prioritize your day, but re-set your standards or expectations to be much, much lower 😉 Some days it’s a major accomplishment just to get everyone through the day ALIVE, and if I set my sights really low (“I need everyone to be fed, diapered or cleaned, and safe today. If that means we all stay in pajamas and watch TV together while I feel like I’m going to throw up at any moment, then so be it! That laundry can wait another few days . . . or else my husband can take care of it if he need something to wear tomorrow!”) 😉
Resetting your standards for the day is such important advice! Thanks for sharing your ideas. 🙂
I definitely hear this. I’m glad days are swinging into neutral for you. I’ve had some good days due to sunshine, funnily enough, checking in on facebook ended up depressing me. a lot. It’s really my only good way to connect right now (we’re down to one vehicle, so I don’t even get out of the house unless my husband is home), but I wish I could say yes to more things.
How do you volunteer with a baby? I’d love to go and stock shelves for the food pantry or whatever but unfortunately I’d end up chasing the kids more than anything. That defaults to ‘just stay home’ for nearly everything these days.
I’m so glad the sunshine is helping – I’ve felt it too! I’m able to volunteer right now because my husband’s schedule allows him to be home for an hour or two that day. Another alternative for me would be to swap volunteer babysitting with another parent or ask if I could wear him while volunteering.
Thank you very much for this. I need this. Although my case is pretty mild, and pretty much age hormone-related, it can get pretty daunting at times.
Thank you for reading and sharing your experience.
Thanks for this. Very helpful to ANY parent. Sometimes we tend to neglect our needs that we end up daunted, affecting the way we relate to our children.
Thank You, I really needed to read this today!
Great ideas! There are not enough hours in the day, but it’s true that taking a break to replenish one’s reserves can make all the difference. I need to work on #5 — asking for help. I love the idea of setting aside to-dos (#1) to read or cuddle.
Thank you for your honesty. It takes a very brave person to openly share about their “black dog” and hopefully through your post, others will realize they are not alone. Your tips are helpful to any parent – I too had an unusually rough day and felt like crying – you made me feel like it is okay.
Sara, thank you for your kind words. I’m so grateful they brought comfort. 🙂
Yes! Love the strategies! Coming up with solutions, identifying when you need a break and knowing when to ask for help are so important for ALL parents! Awesome post.
I’m nearly 60 years old, but I remember my early mothering days as being miserable. I was so depressed and never recognized it–nor did anyone else, or at least they never said anything. Things could have improved SO much if I’d advocated for myself.
Now I’m anticipating being a grandmother and I will be watchful for signs that my family needs gentle intervention. Just simple things like taking the baby for an afternoon, or fixing dinner….just to help new parents know that they’re not forgotten.
Great article.
Maggie – Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so wonderful to hear how you are anticipating simple ways to support others. I can’t tell you how much this has meant to me living away from family. We’ve had many adopted grandmothers who have shown us so much love and care.
Most of my family members aren’t close by, and so I can’t tell you what a difference it has made for my sanity when they’ve been able to come visit and take the kids off my hands, even just for an afternoon! Your children and grandchildren will be lucky to have your presence in their lives 🙂
I agree full heartedly on all this… Depression is awful and the constant sleep deprivation is draining. I also don’t even realize how low I’ve been until I stumble upon a bright day. :/
Such good ideas! Points #1 and #2 are especially important. We need to know our limitations… and not allow others to push us past what would be good for us (or our families.) Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for your feedback!