Hand it Back

A terrific woman took a moment to vent about a last minute assignment she received to arrange babysitting for a church activity. This can be a big job, requiring time to coordinate and recruit, and it’s much appreciated by families with young children. It turns out her well-meaning husband volunteered his wife for the assignment, but forgot to tell her.

As she vented in good humor, just needing a sympathetic ear for a moment, I responded, “I would have just handed it back to him.” She looked at me in surprise, saying, “I never would have thought of that.”

This lovely woman is known for her service and kindness. Her willingness to pick up this project last minute benefited a great number of people and she  completed the task with much more grace than I would.

I have  friend I admire for her thoughtfulness and intelligence. While discussing service in a women’s group, she asked the presenter about balance. She wanted to know how to balance self-care, family care, church service, and community participation. While she is a confident, independent thinker who contributes in many meaningful ways, she was still seeking advice, trying to define her role.

Another friend joined in the conversation. She is a bright, straightforward mom of four navigating a faith and life transition with her husband. While the couple is trying to navigate through uncharted territory, well-meaning friends and family are offering unsolicited advice, opinions, and concerns. Her question: How do I shut out these competing voices, which can wrack emotional and mental havoc, and follow my own instincts?

The presenter, a woman in her 70s, who has dedicated her retirement to service, looked at both these women with a puzzled expression and said, “I’ve always just had an inner voice telling me my calling and I’ve followed it.”

It’s easy for me to casually tell my friend in a hypothetical that I would just “hand it back,” but there are many areas in my life where I’m hovering over boundaries, redrawing lines, juggling multiple needs, and trying to please too many or no one at all.

I’m watching these amazing people in my life, however, and learning. I see that people who live authentically, who radiate confidence, who feel peace, who are decisive know when to hand it back. They hand back:

• Unrealistic or ill-fitting expectations (even mine that my friend should have her husband complete the task).
• Insecurities, uncertainties, and fears (your own and other’s).
• Perfectionism.
• Fear of failure.
• Guilt.
• Apologizing.
• What-ifs.
• Explanations.
• Musts and Shoulds.

A couple I’ve known for a number of years navigated a big life transition together. I remember witnessing this transition at the time and worrying over it. I didn’t know how to be a good friend through it, when to advise, or when to just shut up and listen. Their journey seemed a scary one and I felt totally unprepared as a friend. Without meaning to, I was handing them my fears, uncertainties, musts, and what-ifs.

Today, I look at this couple with great admiration and I’m grateful we’ve remained friends, despite my missteps. I’m thankful that they handed me back all that baggage, even when it was hard and painful. They weathered change together, learning to trust their inner voices. While their choices might not please everyone, they navigate their world confidently. They learned what to hand back to others and, as a result, they embrace life; living healthfully and joyfully.