The idealized version of love tells us that, when someone truly loves you, they instinctively know what you want. If the romance is alive, your significant others should be a sort of clairvoyant; they should sense what you need and make it happen. In fact, this is true even if you don’t actually know what you want or need.
I’ve been married 10 years and initially clung to this idea, thinking it wasn’t romantic or caring if I had to ask directly for something. Who wants to say, “I would like orange lilies for Mother’s Day” or “I really need a break today. I am going to take a bath and read for an hour” or “Morning sickness is too much for me today. I know it’s last minute, but I need you to figure out dinner tonight”? I mean, if he loves me, he’ll just know what I need, right?
The truth about romantic comedies, novels, and sitcoms is that the conflict almost always inevitably rises from this false belief about love and self care. How often are hearts broken and relationships ended because of a failure to communicate needs? It’s hilarious and entertaining onscreen, but perpetually frustrating off. Plus, we rarely see what happens to the boombox holders, airplane serenaders, or balcony climbers once a baby enters the picture.
I’m calling BS on this idealized notion of romance and talking about redefining romance for parents. My husband doesn’t need to be a mind reader to show his love and I am not required to set aside my needs to show mine. When we are both caring for ourselves and each other, we can communicate about our wants and needs without setting each other up for failure. When are willing to adapt our idea of romance to our current family situation, we can find it in unexpected places. So, what does this reality version of love look like?
- We are still figuring this out over time, but I’ve discovered that clear expectations are much more romantic in the long run.Realistic Expectations. This applies to both partners. Every special occasion can’t be a major production, especially if you define “special” as every potential holiday known to man. If you like surprises and don’t want to provide much direction, then you need to create realistic expectation for the outcome. If your partner loves throwing lavish parties, but you prefer a quiet evening in, don’t expect the other person to automatically understand your needs. As parents, don’t give up on romance if date night means bringing a nursing baby. Resist discounting the passion to be found in a stolen kiss among chaos or fingers intertwined across the back of a couch full of kids.
- Direct Communication. Hinting may work for some couples, but in my experience, it’s a recipe for disaster. Just like when I had to finally stop beating around the bush and ask my husband on a second date, I’ve had to learn to be direct about my wants, needs, and expectations.When he says, “What would you like to do for your birthday? Do you want a party? A date night?,” I’ve learned to let him know. If I truly want to be surprised and let him plan the details, I still have to make it clear that I want to go out and that he needs to arrange for the babysitter. If the best gift would be a few hours shopping by myself, I say so. We are still figuring this out over time, but [bctt tweet=”I’ve discovered that clear expectations are much more romantic in the long run.”]”
- No One is a Martyr. Marriages are full of times when it seems one person is giving or doing more. Hopefully, life balances out and the other partner picks up the slack at a later time. If your language of love is perfectly clear to you and you enjoy demonstrating it in a myriad of ways, that is fantastic. If your partner’s language is different, however, don’t expect them to reciprocate in exactly the same way. [bctt tweet=”And, most of all, don’t stop encouraging romance because it’s not as mysterious or spontaneous as you expected at 16. “]
- Redefine Romance. Romance at 36 with four kids looks differently than it did at 24 and dating. Co-sleeping, demanding schedules, and exhaustion have certainly changed my definition. For me, romance often looks like:
- Linking hands on a car ride while kids laugh (or fight) in the background.
- Renting a movie and grabbing dinner for a date night in.
- Kissing goodbye and hello every day.
- Sitting next to each other (it’s funny how often kids sit between you).
- Sneaking in intimacy.
- Making out in the laundry room.
- A leisurely date night dinner and conversation.
- My husband folding the laundry, doing the dishes, making dinner – you get the picture.
How has your definition of romance changed over time?
I think you hit it spot on! My definition of romance has changed quite a bit too. I still believe in those romantic things, but I also believe romance can and still is alive after kids and years of marriage 🙂 We will celebrate our 6th anniversary soon (2 kids later) and life can definitely beat you down and make life miserable but the beauty in it is coming home to my family and getting to enjoy them whether the day has even the slightest romantic moment or just never-ending household chores 🙂 Couples should definitely make an effort to keep the romance alive but also not dwell on it, or the lack of it…and as you mentioned communication is often the key here 😉 I like the mention of the love languages also, it’s been a while since my husband and I have been through them, but they are well worth spending the time reading and getting to know yourself and your significant other better.
I definitely need to work harder at communicating with my hubby!
I would say direct communication is really important. Men nor women are mind readers. Though being surprised every once in awhile with chocolate is romantic for me ( even if I say I don’t want/need anything from the store), because I could always use a candy bar to brighten my day.
Thiso is a very well written post. It touches on topics that very few of us want to talk about with our significant others.
Love this!! “Making out in the laundry room”—-> YES. 🙂
My husband and I agreed when we got married that we would make it a priority to have a date night every other week.
Such a great agreement and realistic. Love it! We try for a date night every weekend. Preferably out, but in if the budget doesn’t allow. 🙂
My relationship with my husband is def a priority, that being said you hit the nail on the head. Most of our “dates” have evolved to amazing family outings, baseball games with the whole family. I do like to have those surprised gifts (flowers or a bar of chocolate) brought home my husband knows this because I told him. We def, need to say what we want from our significant others, not wait for them to figure it out.
I figured out a long time ago that my husband isn’t a mind reader lol.
YES!!! I needed to hear this I think! My relationship has changed drastically since having our son and I could never figure out why!! I need to change! I have unrealistic expectations I think… damn movies lol 😉
Great advice! Having a baby REALLY shows you where your communication pitfalls are. My husband and I are still trying to figure this whole thing out. You have to adapt and change the way your relationship functions.
Spot on! Romance changes again when adding more kids. You figure it out with one kid, then comes another and you have to redefine your relationship again. You ha e to work for it between laundry, diaper changes, soccer practice and grocery shopping.