I lost my blog and reclaimed my life.
I’ve lived in chaos for a long time. I always have an excuse for the mess surrounding me: Our rental is too small, half of our things are packed up, the kids just make a mess anyway, I feel depressed, or I have work to do. Sometimes I do a grand cleaning or a major organizing, but everything quickly reverts to disorder. Then I tell myself it’s not worth it and the chaos is part of my “creative nature.”
I shut out the mess by escaping to my computer chair. My online life is breathtakingly organized. Gmail sorts my email for me. Junk mail subscriptions go to my Yahoo mail. If my files get messy, I simply click on a folder and hit “delete” to get rid of the offending files. Documents and images are right at my finger tips and a quick search can find me anything I need.
Then there’s my blog; the ultimate place of order. My blog is consistent, always looking bright, orderly, and in control. I can depend on my blog to provide a space all my own; impervious to milk spills, legos, and dirt. My blog helps me organize my thoughts, express myself, and make sense of my life. It even inspires things to do amidst the chaos so I have something to blog about.
The day I thought eight years of blog posts filled with memories, milestones, confessions, and collaborations disappeared into an internet black hole, I sat on the floor and wept. The loss felt as though a part of me died. While mourning seemed appropriate, the depth of my feelings revealed a disturbing truth.
My blog had become a way to escape my reality, rather than the reflection it should have been. When life around me became too chaotic, when “going with the flow” became an excuse, rather than a relief, when I forgot to put something on the calendar again, when a kid blamed me for yet another thing outside of my control, or making dinner seemed impossible in that tiny kitchen, I could escape to my beautifully organized, refreshingly consistent space.
I lost my blog and reclaimed my life.
I stared at the blank site and asked myself, “What will I do now?” The answers came slowly, but surely: volunteer, sew, play, garden organize, make hats, write a book, go back to school, relax without guilt, read, clean, go for a walk. Many of these things I planned to do when life wasn’t so chaotic or “after I finish this post.” I do many of them now, but secondary to my blog.
As you can clearly see, my blog didn’t disappear and I have no intention of removing it from my life. This blog is a beautiful, rich, enriching part of my everyday. But it can no longer be my escape from reality. My blog can not be my escape from chaos or depression or dealing with my house or uncertainty about trying new things. I need to find balance again and make blogging just one piece of a healthy life.
And I think I’ll be a better blogger for it.
Next Time: How I handle depression one room at a time.
Oh, how I can relate to this. When my kids get to be too much, or when the puppy has gutted yet ANOTHER stuffed animal on my living room floor, I take refuge in work. The crazier that my house gets, the more original content the website where I work gets… the better the promotions get… It’s my escape.
I’m attempting to reclaim my life away from my computer with FlyLady and purging. Lots and lots of purging. Let’s clean up our real life together, hmm?
I could also find myself getting sucked into my blog and forgetting to live. I try to blog only in the morning before the kids get up and then a little in the evenings to relax. The rest of the time, I want to spend with my kiddos.
(As a side note, I keep Word document copies of all my blog posts. Just in case.)
Your husband totally connected me to a service that does a backup of the blog, in addition to the host!
And what would that service be???? 😉
I have an online escape plan as well. I get so depressed sometimes and just hide out. If I’m looking at a screen, I’m not having to look at a mess. I’m working on it too, I wish you a lot of luck! We’ve got this 🙂
Yes, we do. Let’s encourage each other!
I’m glad you’re not losing your blog now. It’s one of my very favorites!
Thank you, Natalie! That made my day. 🙂
I hear exactly what you are saying, the online world can suck us in and hold us hostage, I admit I have totally forgot about certain things sometimes, all thanks to the wonderful world of the internet, some days we just need to shut it down and keep it down and enjoy life and to see what fun lies ahead!!
I enjoy your blog,sometimes it hard to get everything in life working together
I think we can all relate to this.
It was a blessing in disguise, as they say. Blogging, although really hard work, should not be used as an escape from your real life. You’re right on the money when you say that your blog should only be one piece of the total of your healthy (and hopefully, happier!) life. Sending good vibes your way!
I can really relate to this. I moved into an old family home, and there are still many remnants of my aunts belonging that used to live here, and her mentally challenged daughter still has a room here. She’s physically an adult, but mentally she’s still about 13 years old. I love her dearly, but sometimes the mess is just too much for me. I use my work schedule as an excuse, and taking my dog for a walk as a procrastination method, and the good old internet is always beckoning me to neglect my new home. Now that I’m going to be a mommy, I’ve enlisted the help of more family members to get all the clutter out of the house, there’s just heaps of junk to go through. It’s truly overwhelming.
This is so true.