My 4 year-old need to poop now, so we stopped at a nearby Target to use the restroom. As we entered the stalls, the questions began. Mom, are you pooping or peeing? Is it a big one or a little one? He then continued to narrate his bowel movement from next door, sharing, This is a really big poop. A really big one, Mom. As I imagined the other women overhearing our conversation, I took a moment to remember the days long past of peeing alone and other mommy luxuries.
- The Private Shower. Most days, showers are a game of peek-a-boo at my house. My toddler is temporarily distracted by the tv, then wanders into the bathroom to locate mom. I then divide my time between showering and keeping the curtain closed enough to prevent a flood. Needless to say, I am the master of the 5 minute bath (3 in a pinch).
- Purposefully Faded Jeans. Forget high waists. If you want to really identify “Mom Jeans,” look at the knees. Sometimes I see my reflection in a window and wonder why my pants look so much lighter in the middle. It’s the custom “mom fade” from all that bending and kneeling. Hey! Maybe I should make a “Mom Fade” jeans line!
- Foreplay. Remember when you had to “set the mood” for intimacy? Roses, music, and massages are cool, but they interfere with the kid’s sixth “sex is happening” sense. These days, just shutting the door is enough to say, Hey, baby in our house.
- Multi-Store Shopping. Remember when you would plan to drive into the city and hit up multiple stores in one trip? You could get all of your errands done in one full swoop and even have time to browse a little – Oh, the Mommy Luxuries! Now, between car seats, diapers, nap time, and impatient kids, you call two stores a win.
- Peeing Alone. Remember when going to the bathroom was a private event? You could simply go without announcing your intentions to anyone and your business remained, well, your business. These days, they follow you in to supervise. Shutting the door means a teeny tiny bit more privacy, with fingers peaking under the door and kids calling, Mom! Mom, where are you?
- Clean Shirts. Full disclosure: This one is only sort of true for me. I make plenty of stains all on my own. That being said, there’s nothing like putting together a chic outfit, picking up your baby, and promptly finding poop or spit up on yourself. Then there’s the breast milk, baby food, dirt, boogers, and mystery stains. Oh, the mystery stains. I never imagined myself doing a sniff test and delcaring, Oh. That’s just pee.
- Kissing without Commentary. I never knew kissing could be so gross and funny before I had kids. Whether it’s a quick peck goodbye or a more passionate hello, the kids have something to say about it. Or the little ones want to join in. Sometimes we kiss in front of the kids and their friends just so they’ll tell us we’re weird.
- An Uninterrupted Conversation. I love talking with people and this is one of those Mommy Luxuries I won’t give up. That being said, I know I have an extreme noise level tolerance. I’m so used to background noise and kids trying to interrupt, I’ll often keep talking through it all, much to other moms’ chagrin. I confess to putting my kids in front of the tv sometimes, so I can sneak to my room to have an uninterrupted conversation when my sister calls.
- Sleep. I’ve always fallen asleep during movies, but I am now the master of sleeping just about anywhere. I’m kind of like a Dr. Suess book. Mom can sleep when you yell. She snores when you ring a bell. She can snooze in a car, at the school bizarre, and with the bedroom door ajar. But a luxurious nap without interruptions? I’d pay big money for that. Or make a trade with my spouse.
- Sneezing, Jumping, Laughing, and Running without Peeing. This post has so much TMI in it, but it’s definitely true that giving birth can mess with your bladder. Most moms aren’t talking about it, but the accidental pee struggle is real.
- Time Alone. When I need to run a quick errand, my husband will often say, Why don’t you bring a kid along? As much as I love my kids, sometimes I just want to walk into Walgreens and stare at some medicine and make-up all by myself. When it’s time to mow the lawn, you don’t have to ask me twice if I want to stick on some headphones and spend a solid hour all to myself.
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