If we’ve spoken a few times, you’ve probably heard me joke about how I know I’m not one of those people that everyone likes. I found that putting it out there first, before I can sense that someone finds me a bit abrasive or outspoken, makes it somehow more palatable. If I acknowledge the fault first – that I will probably never win miss congeniality – it removes the sting of not being liked a bit. Because, let’s face it, even though I am pretty happy with who I am, everyone wants to be liked.
I looked in the mirror yesterday and saw the deep, dark bags under my eyes and my pale face. I thought, “Ugh, I look terrible” and did not want to face going out. I proceeded to head downstairs and made some comment to my husband about how great it was that he could love me even when I looked so miserable. He, of course, brushed if off and said I didn’t look that bad…I was recovering from surgery after all.
Afterwards, I started thinking about the things I say to take myself down a notch first, so someone else can’t do it for me. So their lack of interest, sarcasm, pity, or superiority will have less power.Oddly enough, I think I also do it at times so that others won’t feel small around my successes, accomplishments, talents, etc.
I actually consider myself a fairly confident person. I strive to be kind, I love making friends, and I enjoy interacting with other people. But I still use some of that age-old word-play to protect myself. I still find myself occasionally making myself small first, so no one else can. And I hate it.
My little Ella who is three does not do this yet. She is not ashamed to say she is pretty. She celebrates her accomplishments. Ella is happy to be herself and has not yet learned the “skill” of self-deprecation. And I think that the day I hear her do it for the first time will break my heart a bit.
To resist making yourself small does not make you conceited. It does not somehow give others more power to put you down. In fact, I think that attempts at self-deprecation often point out unseen flaws to others who were never seeking them in the first place.
So, today I want to challenge myself to be less self-deprecating. I hope that the less my daughter hears me take myself down a few notches, the less tempted she’ll be to tear herself down.
Mindy, I do the same thing. Every day of my life and in whatever I am doing. I lived most of my life being put down by one person or another. I had a super strong mom who cared less about what anyone thought of her. It embarrassed me to know she was so proud of herself and everyone around her was making comments about how she thought she was perfect. (She never thought she was perfect, EVER) Just her confidence in herself and everything she did made people think she was conceited, she was not. So, living with always overhearing people talk about my mom and being overweight most of my life (she was too) made me resort to making fun of myself before anyone else could do it to me. Over the years I have learned A LOT about myself and have since stopped making fun of myself. I’ve suddenly adopted my mom’s state of mind. I could care less what anyone thinks of me. I still jokingly say things about myself in situations were I am “afraid” that others will feel bad about my accomplishments but for the most part. I try to elevate myself in a positive way and stay away from negative. Good for you, trying to not let your “self-deprecation” rub off on your daughter. Good Job!
It really is difficult not to pick ourselves apart, isn’t it?
I constantly have to work on trying to remember that the only person I am accountable to is God. While I do want to be liked, I also know that not everyone is going to like me. Try not to let folks get to you. You are just what God intended for YOU. That’s all that matters. =D
You know you can teach her at home that she is wonderful every day of her life and teach her not to listen to others. You are really perfect your self.
I need to work on this, too. I am constantly putting my self down and it’s especially off-putting and upsetting to my husband. Ugh.
Oh sweet girl! Isn’t that a terrible cycle to be in? I’m so proud of you for acknowledging that and breaking those habits, especially to set the example for your daughter. When I’m tempted to tear myself down, I try to focus on how the Lord sees me. Your Heavenly Father, your Husband, would never, ever speak those kinds of criticisms over you. And if we’re to have the mind of Christ, we can’t have a thought in our mind that He wouldn’t have. I pray you see yourself as He sees you. It’s a challenge for all of us! 🙂
I just caught myself doing this the other day. It’s a life long habit that I work hard NOT to do anymore. But it is so easy after doing it for so long. Great post.
***Ally
Wow, I never realized how often I do this to myself until you verbalized the process in this post. It takes a really concentrated effort for me to not do it, but I would like to break the habit!