I feel like such a mess this week. I’ll venture to use the phrase “feeling blue,” but I worry that it might be more. I thought I was doing fairly well, then more medical bills came from my surgery and threw me for a loop. While the bills are discouraging, they are something we can deal with. I think they just served as a painful reminder of my loss, of the things I’m struggling to understand, of the heartache I’m not quite past.
I like being one of those people who has it together. Over the past few years, this has worked well for me. I struggled with depression and insecurities in college and, while I am far from perfect now, I have enjoyed balance in my life for quite some time. Then this happened. Was it really only last month?
I let myself grieve and worked to move on, but it was difficult with the continuing blood tests. Then life threw me a curve ball when I needed sudden surgery to remove a very large cyst caused by my miscarriage – and the surgeons decided to take out my appendix (irritated by my bleeding cyst) while they were at it. And all of this because I wanted to have another baby.
It’s been nearly two months and I’ve had some great weeks. But the last couple of days I’ve been near tears at the drop of hat. I’m certain hormones are wreaking havoc of their own, but they aren’t entirely to blame. I just feel a bit lost right now, unsure of where my anchor is at. And it’s frightening. Because I do have a wonderful life; the best of husbands, delightful kids, fulfilling work. And I think that’s why the tears frighten me the most – they are so inexplicable.
As I type this, I feel very close to simply hitting “delete.” Perhaps this is too personal. Too much to share. But I know I’ve been off this week – flighty, making mistakes, angry, standoffish, not quite myself. A dear friend lovingly told me to give myself a break and I’m trying. But I want to also continue with my normal everyday life – I want to move forward.
Perhaps the truth is that I simply have to stop trying to control it all so much and allow myself to be fragile. Perhaps I need to accept that I can’t control the time table on this and that maybe it will never entirely make sense.
Mindy, you are in my thoughts everyday – i dont know that i would have your strength after a loss. I wish we lived closer and could chat face to face. I feel that you are a wonderful person and one who deserves so many great things, you are so much stronger than you think you are – you are amazing 🙂
I know anything I could say would sound trite, but these circumstances are just one thread in the tapestry of your life. Praying that the picture unfolds, and that you have peace. <3
The best thing I can say to you right now is I am praying for you, and I know many others must be too. Hugs!
Mindy, I feel for you. May 2nd will make 3 years since I miscarried and I still feel the pain of it. Not as much anymore but I have my days. I too have a wonderful husband and 2 awesome children however, I can’t help but think who that baby would have been. Then there are days I remember had I not lost that baby, I would not have my little princess standing in front of me as I type. My picture has been completed. I pray you see your’s soon! (hugs)
Oh Mindy – listen to your friend. Give yourself a break. Sometimes we try to be so strong when we really need to let ourselves be human. Sometimes we need to take an hour and let the tears come, let them wash away some of the “down” feeling. And to acknowledge you don’t really want to feel this way is huge. Give yourself time to turn around, but if you can’t – don’t be afraid to ask for help! And LEAN on your friends – the physical ones and the bloggy ones! Sending hugs your way-
Ally
Dear Mindy:
I read a funny thing lately that said, when life hands you lemons, make cranberry juice, then watch how confused everyone is as they try to figure out what the heck just happened.
Sometimes, when life hands us lemons, we try to figure out what we’re supposed to learn,what it might mean, etc. Sometimes, we aren’t meant to make anything out of those stupid lemons.
Remember that the Atonement wasn’t just so that we could give to the Savior all our sins. He didn’t suffer just to know what our remorse felt like. He suffered to know all our pain. Even what you feel now. Give it to Him. When all is said and done and you just can’t do it anymore, give it away. Leave those stupid lemons to someone who knows how to make lemonaide.
I love you and I feel your pain. Like I said, when the noise from Morgan’s toothbrush made me infuriated, I knew I needed more help than just simple math (counting to ten).
Love you and am here to listen/talk.
Mer
Your friend is right—you do need to give yourself a break. You have been to hell and back and you can’t just snap your fingers and be back to “normal.” Take the pressure off of yourself and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel right now. If it gets to a point where you are that concerned, then perhaps talk to your doctor. Hormones are terrible things sometimes and they can lead us out of control (and they are beyond our control). You might just need more time, or maybe talking to someone might help, along with a little medication. But overall, I think it’s still too soon to expect yourself to be feeling happy/normal/etc….you have suffered a huge loss and several painful reminders since then.
Cut yourself some slack and call me if you need me.
HUGS!
You are a strong, fabulous woman. You can do it. Find your anchor in faith–the rest will come around. You gave me the advise to be fragile–to feel and then to become stronger. I love you girl! 🙂 Give your self permission to have moments for yourself.
Give yourself a break, you are probably your own worst critic. Feel the love and support surrounding you and remember your blessings.