Living with Pig Will and Pig Won’t

Sometimes I feel like I live with the physical manifestation of Richard Scarry’s rascally twins Pig Will and Pig Won’t. Mine may not be twins (or pigs), but given a chance they will disagree (and fight) over anything. I’ve asked how I got two such stubborn and willful children, but the answer isn’t normally in my favor. Don’t get me wrong, determination and decisiveness are definitely traits I value, but some days I wish my 4 and 2 year-olds had them in smaller measure!

Pig I Will/Pig I Won’t: It’s rare that I have both in agreement on something. Just when you have one convinced that getting on their shoes and heading to the store will be awesome, you have to wrangle the other one, praying the first won’t change their mind in the meantime.

Pig I Can’t: I see this mostly in my oldest, who sometimes longs to be a big kid and other days just finds it too exhausting. I am constantly amazed by how much time is wasted that we could be spending playing, baking, reading, or a million fun things due to this stubborn phrase.

Pig Me Too: If he/she is doing it, I want in on it! Even if it’s ridiculous or not even that fun, I want my share.

Pig It’s My Turn: She/he just got their hands on that item, no matter how random, and I want my turn. Now. When I have something he/she would like, however, I plan on having the world’s longest turn.

Pig I Can Do It Myself: My son is the champion of this one. And I actually really admire it about him. He wants to do it himself. And die trying. Accepting help seems to hurt his pride and he will insist on trying for the rest of eternity and have a fit if you finally just have to “help” because you’ve been sitting in the parking lot for 3 minutes while he attempts to clip his own buckle. This inevitably equals a tantrum of monumental proportions.

Pig I Won’t: Sometimes I swear they simple won’t for the heck of it. For a four year-old girl, it’s often because I said it the wrong way (even if it is an exasperated 4th time).

Pig I Will: This one definitely has a dark and light side. Of course, I will can mean “I will clean up my dishes!” It can also mean “I will do this no matter what you say and you can’t stop me.”

I wish I could say I had some magical answers for transforming these piggies into perfect “Yes, I will” or “Whatever you say, Mom” Pigs, but I don’t. I do know what doesn’t work well in the long run – Getting frustrated, yelling, perpetual time-outs, throwing up my hands, forcing them to do things, or putting them in front of the tv. Bribery and taking away privileges are effective in the short-term and sometimes necessary, but usually less than satisfying.

Here are a few things that I am challenging myself to be more patient with and turn to more often to encourage their decisiveness and desire for independence, while cutting down on fighting, tantrums, and stubbornness:

Plan Ahead and Make Time: Stubborn piggies need fair warning so they can be prepared to stop what they’re doing, get on board, and do things on their owns. A kid who has 15 minutes to find what they need to get out the door, get it on, ask for help, and feel successful is a much happier one.

I’ll Try: Ella’s 75 year-old veteran swim teacher taught her (and me) an interesting lesson a few weeks ago. She refused to try something and Miss Connie replied, “Well, if you’re not going to swim, you can sit outside of the pool.” Ella sat on the edge, pondered this in the cold, and was soon ready to get back in and try. Miss Connie welcomed her back in the pool, telling her firmly, but kindly, “We don’t say ‘I can’t.’ We say ‘I’ll try’ and I’ll be here to help you.”

You Can Do It!/Can I Help You?: I feel the greatest pride on the days when I manage to get this balance right, but it’s tricky. If I’ve instituted plan ahead and I’ll try for the day, this goes much more smoothly. Both my kids really want to get themselves into their own car seats for different reasons. One can do it, but gives up easily. The other won’t accept help. On a good day, I can honor their desire to try, encourage them to get there on their own. If their efforts to try are respected enough, they are more likely to accept my help or, conversely, keep trying until they do it on their own.

Positive Reinforcement/Responsibility: It seems like a no-brainer, but words of encouragement, thanks, and praise are like gold to a kid. Use them often and sincerely. This, combined with real responsibilities, such as picking up toys, clearing dishes, washing the table, and other age-appropriate responsibilities help a child  try new things, experiences success, and feel like they are an important contributor in the family.

One on One Time: Tim and I are determined to take our kids out on little one on one dates. They crave individual attention, even for a short time. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. It can be a trip of two to the store or the park. Family time counts as well – it just needs to be time focused on each other without other distractions.

I Bet You Can’t: My husband is the master of this. Some might cry “manipulation!”, but it works.

Would You Help Me?: This is another chance to use positive reinforcement and show a child you value them. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it doesn’t matter if it takes longer or won’t be done as easily. Every kid likes to be a helper.

Apologize/Commit to Positive Behaviors Together: I hate to admit it, but I mess up and get frustrated, yell, snap, and grow weary a lot. Some days it takes more mental and physical energy than I have (especially at the end of the day) to avoid these pitfalls. If I’ve spoken too harshly, haven’t spent enough time doing the right things, or just need to set a better example, I will get down at eye level, sincerely say I am sorry for specific things, and ask if we can all work on A, B, and C together. There’s nothing like practicing what you preach.