For some reason, this topic kept coming to mind throughout the weekend. I considered blogging about it, then dismissed the thought. In fact, I started a different post this morning, but this subject persisted.
Last March, I unexpectedly joined a group no woman wants to be a part of. I reluctantly added a new category to my blog I never imagined needing. When I was admitted to the hospital to give birth to my third baby this May, and then at his first pediatrician’s appointment, I was reminded of my new, unwanted categorization once again. The questions go like this:
Q: How many pregnancies have you had?
A: 4.
Q: How many living children do you have?
A: 3
Rationally, I know they are just a part of a series of medical questions meant to provide the best medical care. Emotionally, however, a part of me wanted to scream. I thought, “Not in this moment. Not now.” Then I realized that these questions would never go away, now an indelible part of my medical record. But in that moment, the questions felt like an intrusion on my happiness, an unnecessary reminder of the emptiness, the ache, the anger, the sorrow.
The truth is, with a new baby in the house and a pregnancy to occupy my thoughts before that, my miscarriage hasn’t weighed on my mind much of late. And I’m grateful. I feel incredibly blessed that, after waiting three months to try again, my next pregnancy happened quickly. Hoping and planning for a new life helped me shift my thoughts and ease some of the ache of loss.
But sometimes in quiet moments I wonder about that little life. I wonder what he or she would look like, about their personality, what it would be like to hold him/her. I believe that we have a spirit body before we come here, that we have a gender, that we are children of God. What I do not know is exactly what happens to a baby who doesn’t live full-term through a pregnancy. Not knowing the how, when, or why doesn’t hurt like it once did. But it’s a mystery of God I will be eager to understand one day.
It’s tough when those medical questions get asked. I have not had a miscarriage, but had lost my little guy when he was 9 months old.. I too find myself in the quiet thinking about if he would like playing baseball or like school and I agree it is a mystery of God.
I remember reading that ~1/4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it’s not a topic that gets much discussion even though it affects so many of us. Thanks for being brave and sharing. 🙂
Oh yeah those questions definitely bring the pain rushing all back. I’ve been there too and its the most terrible feeling. ((hugs))
I dont think those thoughts ever go away no matter how many kids or how long it’s been.
my heart goes out to you. i can’t tell you know that I know exactly how it feels, because I don’t. I was late the month before conceiving this one. SO happy (because I’m, well, NEVER late)… I thought it was a done deal. I’m still very unsettled in THIs pregnancy because of it. sadly. Hugs out to you today.
I miscarried our very first pregnancy, and that question has been rough every.single.time. Even 4 living children later, it still hurts, and brings back that fear of the possibility of problems each time. I don’t like to be a part of the miscarriage club either… stinks. So thankful to know I’ll see our little one again someday. God is good.
[[Hugs]] That’s all I can do.
Mindy,
I so enjoyed reading your heartfelt thoughts. I’ve had three children, but never a miscarriage. I relate to the difficulty in answering seamingly innocent questions. After my eighteen year old brother drowned, I didn’t know how to answer when people asked, “So, how many siblings do you have?” or “How many people in your family?”
God has actually been really faithful to bring me to a place of peace, but the struggle was intense. I wrote a book about my journey which is being published this year, but even as awesome as that is, I had to walk through horrible times to be able to tell my story.
I hope your journey finds you also in a place of peace.
Kristina J.
I’m right there with you hun. I had a miscarriage last July. Then in October I found out I am pregnant. This pregnancy is such a blessing and so perfect. The other one was too but it ended well before I would have liked it to. When that baby’s due date came I cried the whole day though I was pregnant and had a new life moving inside of me. I still missed the one I lost. Last week when it was 1 year after I had found out I was pregnant with that baby I was sad. I didn’t cry as much because I had planned a day of fun with my 2 year old daughter so that I wouldn’t think about it as much. The baby I am currently pregnant with is due July 1st. The baby I lost I lost on July 15th. I keep wondering how that day will be for me. The doctors appointments for this pregnancy were and are really hard. When I have to see a different nurse that doesn’t know or a different doctor in the office because mine isn’t there they as those questions. I’m always asked, “How many pregnancies have you had including this one?” my answer is 3. Then they ask “How many living children do you have?” my answer is 1. I can’t wait until I can say at least 2. I will never actually be able to say 3 and that’s painful. But God has a plan for us. And one day I will get to see my beautiful baby up in Heaven. That is something I SO look forward to.