Separation Anxiety

Vacation spoiled me. All that family time together felt amazing. I loved tandem parenting with my husband and the luxury of talking with him throughout the day. Things were far from perfect, but it was such a wonderful break from the everyday.

Now we’re home and I’m struggling with the transition. Tim is back at work and I miss him. The house wasn’t very clean when we left and now we’ve added piles of clothes to be put away to the mix. I returned and truly felt the impact of having three friends move away this summer, one of them that “go to” friend that I am seriously feeling the loss of. And I’ve sent my oldest off to all day kindergarten.

I think all of these things are combining to make kindergarten a bit torturous for me. I’ve been trying to identify where all of these emotions are coming from. My daughter wasn’t afraid of kindergarten and showed very little anxiety – but it killed me to drop her off at school. I suddenly recognized the end of an incredibly special time in my life and realized that things were changing for good.

We now live by the school calendar and my girl is gone with someone else I hardly know for a big chunk of the day. They only offer all day kindergarten here and Ella went to two years of preschool, so she is definitely ready to transition. I feel some odd sense of guilt sending her off while we’re home all day. I think it’s totally misplaced, but I feel it anyway.

Then there’s Ella’s stony faced reaction to it all. Granted, she hasn’t exactly been Little Miss Sunshine for awhile. It’s a bit like having a 13 year-old in a 5 year-old’s body. Don’t get me wrong, she is tons of fun, bright, precocious, and wonderful, but moody. She loved preschool, had terrific relationships with her teachers, and was incredibly eager for Kindergarten. Now that it’s come, she says she likes it, but I just can’t read her. And I’m sure I’m just projecting my feelings on her. When she looked  unhappy after school today, the reason was simple: shoes and socks make her feet too hot.

I think it really comes down to not having much control in this situation and not having a strong relationship with the adult who she spends so much time with. I think we just need some time to get used to each other and I am not used to the way she expresses herself yet. It’s probably best to leave things there because I’m feeling hyper emotional and this blog connects to my facebook account.

The truth is, Ella’s been perfectly fine. She happily gets up for school, is more compliant getting ready than she has ever been, and says she likes school as much as the fair. Eating lunch there is her favorite part and she likes being a big girl. Mostly, I think it’s a difficult transition getting up early again and she is understandably tired when she gets home. She’s perked up each day after a snack and a little vegging out time.

Mostly, I’m just a mommy mess trying to adjust to way too many changes at once. I need to just hang in there and not worry so much. But this knot in my stomach hasn’t gone away for three days and I feel overwhelmed by so many changes. I decided to return to Zumba this morning, improve my diet, and take it from there with some positive changes I can control. Thank goodness the weekend provides some much-needed family time and an opportunity for me to recover from a week of traveling Monday and Tuesday and sending my oldest off to Kindergarten!