I’m not the mom I used to be. Not better. Not worse. Just different.
I am a big proponent of “There’s no one right way to parent.” But I’m discovering something more: There’s no one right way to parent at every stage, with each child, within your own family. If I 
could rewind 9 years to my first pregnancy, I’d offer up this advice. “Trust your instincts and be willing to change your mind.”
Pregnancy #1 started with that natural desire to learn, to know, to plan everything. This whole baby thing could be planned out so I could do things the right way. I tried to shake off an arrogant youthful habit of using superlatives – “I’ll never” and “I’ll always” – but still felt the weight of caring for someone else so completely. So many decisions. Overwhelming choices. Conflicting advice. Then baby came and so many days I found myself just winging it.
With baby #2, I felt more confident and sure-footed, but still had big plans to do some things “right.” I wanted to conquer the challenges of pumping and actually make that baby food this time around. But then he arrived, nothing like his sister. Ezra seemed hard wired differently. I suddenly understood the term “colic.” Formerly a believer in maybe 85 to 15 nurture vs nature, I experienced a huge paradigm shift. Nature mattered and this impacted nurture. My kids are not the same people. Their basic needs are the same, as are our family rules and structure. But I can’t always pull from the same parenting playbook to meet their individual needs. Realizing this changed me as a mom.
Baby #3 met the standard definition of “easy” or “good” baby. Although, I stand by the belief that all babies are “good.” I digress. I learned to prioritize wants, shoulds, and musts with this baby. Truly learning to confidently babywear mattered to me, so I researched it and overcame my reservations. I still didn’t make my own baby food, but tried to give myself a break about it. I found much of my past experiences parenting babies helpful, which allowed me to focus my energy on learning the ropes of parenting growing kids. With the big kids, I found myself navigating new parenting terrain, trying to find a balance between my instincts and advice. I was winging it all over again.
I’m now a mom of 4, caring for a sweet boy I expect to be my last baby. I see some of his siblings in baby, but he is definitely his own person, even at 6 months. Four is a daily balancing act between how I want/imagine parenting and reality. Some days just feel “right.” Other days, it seems no one’s needs are prioritized and I go for a one-size-fits-all approach that fits no one. Parenting 8 years in teaches me humility regularly. I’ve learned to forgive myself. To be my own cheerleader. To try again.
How has your parenting changed over time?
I love this! And I do think it’s often overlooked (or just not spoken of often) how the same parenting techniques don’t necessarily work the same for each child. So every time you have a new baby, you’re kind of starting from scratch in figuring out who THEY are and what THEY will respond best to (so maybe you don’t go back to square 1, since you have a lot more ideas and experiences under your belt, but you’re still somewhere near the beginning!) 🙂
My oldest daughter will be 3 in July and I have another little girl due in mid August. There are times when I feel like I got this whole parenting thing down to a science… and one small thing can trigger a panic in me. “Oh no!!! I’m doing this all over again?? What’s it gonna be like with 2 kids? What if what I did with Baby 1.0 doesn’t work with Baby 2.0??” But I know that parenting is unpredictable at all times, with big families, and only children. This was a really great read and made me feel a little more confident, not of my parenting capabilities overall, but just the I can still enjoy the ups and downs and unpredictable turns with a certain… poise. 🙂 Thank you.
I’ve changed in learning to trust my own instincts a whole lot more.
We learn and grow with our kids
We had our first in December and she has been in the NICU her whole life, I’m learning that specific plans are pointless as well!
I’m infinitely less judgmental. No more backhanded compliments and advice… #2 has taught me I have no idea what another parent is going through unless I have been exactly there … Compassion and a willingness to help are really what I hope defines me now.
Love these lessons. So true!
I can relate. Time and circumstances change us and the way we parent.
Thanks for this. I’m definitely curious how my parenting will have to change for our daughter.
Im still only on my first… but I am finding that my confidence has gone up since he was first born!! I was so scared the day we brought him home that I cried and cried!! Looking back now I should’ve relaxed but I was terrified of something going wrong and having it be all my fault. Im way more relaxed now. I take every day as it comes and every fit and tantrum as it comes lol. Im hoping we can have a second sometime soon!!
This is so touching and true! I am not the same mom I wish I could tell myself from first child to slow down and enjoy it more! I thought I had to be a “Perfect” parent but there is no perfect parent!!
Well said! I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve said “I’ll never let my kids…”…. then, eventually, turned around and done it. Parenting is a learning process!
Love this article so true! My parenting style has definitely changed from when I had my oldest to now where I have three little ones
I can definitely rreadte with 5 kids. My youngest are twin boys who are 8 and my parenting changed so much over the years. My oldest is 19. Each was different and I imagined myself to be a well read mom of my first so I would know exactly how to parent. Didn’t work that way and having twins was completely different.
I can definitely relate with 5 kids. My youngest are twin boys who are 8 and my parenting changed so much over the years. My oldest is 19. Each was different and I imagined myself to be a well read mom of my first so I would know exactly how to parent. Didn’t work that way and having twins was completely different.