I remember the first time my husband asked me, “Want to make a trade?” There was some unwanted chore to be done hanging between us and he offered a “trade” as a solution. I thought this felt a bit juvenile at first; sort of like we were in the 3rd grade and he was offering to swap lunches with me. Problem is, these type of trades often go sour, with one person offering a lunchable and fruit snack, while the other proffers a bologna sandwich and celery. Despite my misgivings, I decided to temporarily set aside my skepticism and listen to his proposed terms. To my surprise, the trade worked, and it worked well. Five years (and two kids) later, we’re still happily trading.
I’m certain other couples have a more sophisticated way of divvying up responsibilities and I don’t want to leave the impression that we sit and negotiate over every little “to do” in our lives. In general, we have “his” and “her” responsibilities that have developed over time, but “trading” often helps us figure out the rest. We generally go into trade mode when one of us is tired, something needs to be done immediately, or there’s a Saturday list of things to accomplish.
The trick to happily negotiating these trades, for us, involves understanding that what I consider to be celery is sometimes Tim’s fruit snack. For example, Tim thinks food always taste better when hands other than his own prepare it and he’s not especially fond of running errands in the evening after he’s been at work all day. I, on the other hand, generally like dirtying a few dishes and think that running out to get milk by myself at 7 pm can sometimes be a slice of heaven. I hate doing dishes and mopping floors, and he dislikes shopping and doing laundry. Knowing these preferences make negotiating a “he bathes the kids while she runs out for toilet paper” or “she wipes down the bathroom while he empties and fills the dishwasher” a cinch.
Negotiating isn’t always this simple and sometimes takes a few tries before we get it right. I could tell for a long time that Tim didn’t enjoy making his lunches for work. I resisted making these lunches because it just represented such a housewife stereotype for me. After thinking over a possible trade for awhile, however, we agreed that he would pick up the downstairs each night (this is where the kids play) and I would make his lunch. This actually works beautifully for us. Funny thing is, I think each of us believes we’ve got the better end of the bargain. Honestly, I like doing something for him each night and waking up to a clean basement. He likes enjoying food prepared by someone else and waking up to a clean basement. Win-win.
I probably shouldn’t admit this, but sometimes I find myself trying to think of a trade, even when I don’t really mind doing something. Last night, the break in the rain offered the perfect early evening to mow the lawn. Tim was home early, so he mentioned that it should probably be done. I was preparing to make dinner and the kids were getting to their fussiest time of the day (why is that anyway?). In an unusual trade, I negotiated mowing the lawn (45 minutes to myself in the cool, fall air!) and he agreed to make dinner and watch the kids. I think I came out with the better end of the bargain last night, but I he seemed okay with it. I’m certain the scales will tip the other way soon enough. ;0)
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