I’ll Have a Blue Thanksgiving

When I tell people that I’m not really into Thanksgiving, they always look at me like I’m crazy. Conversely, when someone declares Thanksgiving their favorite holiday of the year, I just don’t get it. I don’t think I felt this way about turkey day as a child, but I haven’t really looked forward to it for quite a few years. I often find myself simply thinking of Thanksgiving as the runner-up holiday leading to Christmas’ annual debut.

In fact, as I prepared pie for tomorrow’s festivities, I kept hearing the refrain from the classic Elvis song,  “I’ll Have a Blue Christmas without you,” except my version was about Thanksgiving. As I consider my ho-hum feelings about this holiday that truly celebrates something wonderful – showing gratitude and living with a spirit of Thanksgiving – I realize that my feelings really aren’t really about the holiday at all.

For so many, Thanksgiving is a holiday jam-packed with family and football. I realized today that a part of me feels a deep sense of loss whenever Thanksgiving comes around. My father died the October of my freshman year of high school. I was fourteen, he’d been sick for a long time, and I wasn’t at all prepared for his death. I don’t find myself dwelling on his death in September when expected, but instead I feel a sense of loss as another Thanksgiving approaches.

I’ve been a guest at someone else’s table for more Thanksgivings than I can count. Generous friends have invited me to their table and welcomed me into their family festivities throughout the years. I’ve always felt incredibly grateful, but a bit awkward offering the family-recipe ambrosia salad I look forward to each year, but other families rarely enjoy. I appreciate being included, but miss the feeling of truly belonging. Last year, I worked to build excitement for the holiday as I dragged my 8 month pregnant self around the kitchen, making all of our favorite dishes. When I finally sat down to eat, however, I felt deflated and disappointed.

The truth is, I’m not even certain how many years it’s been since my immediate family has all gathered together as a whole unit around a table for Thanksgiving and a part of me longs for the experience. My son is nearly one and none of my sisters have met him. I now have a niece and a nephew I’ve yet to meet. This disconnect from my loved ones saddens me a bit and I always feel a bit melancholy as Thanksgiving day approaches.

I can feel the weight of the Thanksgiving blues bearing down on me as I write this post. But I have hopes that tomorrow’s celebration will be different. While I’ll still be at someone else’s table, we’ll be gathering with another family who is also away from home for the holiday. My dear friend and I went shopping together on Monday and we have a plan for a modest, yet delicious meal. I imagine the day as a fun gathering of friends, with the addition of some delicious food. I’m hoping to stuff myself until I waddle,and then enjoy some games, good conversation, and the company of wonderful friends.

As I look around me, I see my life overflowing with blessings. I feel immense gratitude for my two delightful children and my wonderful husband. And,as I think of my father, I’m especially grateful for the knowledge I have that this is not the end and that one day I will see him again.