Musings on the “Perfect” Man

I decided to give into the craze recently and read the Twilight books. Many women I love and respect  spent days and nights totally engrossed in, possibly even a little obsessed with, this story. Young adult novels, even mammoth sized ones, usually make for a fairly quick read, so I borrowed all four from a friend. 


I’m halfway through book four and there’s no denying that Stepanie Meyer spins an intriguing tale and that some of her characters are absolutely engaging. I discussed some of the series’ themes with a friend yesterday and, let me tell you, there are several book-club nights worth of discussions packed into this best-seller. Long before reading this guilty pleasure, I started thinking about my version of the “perfect” man. Since Bella’s favorite past-time is to discuss Edward’s perfection in excruciating detail, referring to him as “perfect” a disturbing number of times, this theme has permeated my reading of these books. 


If you are connected with me through facebook, twitter, or my blog, it’s quite possible you’ve heard me complaining a bit – well, alot – about Bella. While I don’t agree with the entire assessment of Twilight found on TheOatmeal.com, I do think he is spot-on with his description of Bella as an “empty shell” that “a female reader can put on and wear.”  We don’t know much about Bella, really, except she is painfully insecure, self-absorbed, klutzy, selfish, and inexplicably attractive to every male on the planet. 


Edward, in contrast, is supposedly the ideal man. He is Adonis brought to life (without the hassle of breathing), a living statue of a Greek God. Bella’s true love is without flaw physically – with his mesmerizing pale skin, muscled torso, chiseled jaw, sandy locks, speed, grace, an on and on.  Add to this impeccable taste, manners, and style combined with several lifetimes worth of wisdom and you supposedly have the perfect guy. His perfect self-control, kindness, and self denial complete this made-to-order package. This guy has done it, seen it, been there, tried, and he can do it all. Perfectly.


I know this is over-thinking things and this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of overanalyzing a bit of fantasy and fun. As I read, however, I couldn’t help asking myself “Is this really the perfect man? And, if so, does the perfect man really make for the perfect relationship?” 


As Bella feverishly discusses Edward’s perfection throughout the books, she always paints herself as pale in comparison. She is lucky he even wants her and she is constantly insecure because she could never be as wonderful as Edward. No matter how many times he tells her with anguish in his eyes how much he wants her, how much he loves her, how much he needs her, she can never quite accept it. Their relationship is out of balance and often controlled by manipulation on both sides. And I haven’t read the part where Bella becomes a vampire – if she actually does become one – but all that he loves about her has to do with her imperfection – she’s clumsy, silly, brash, insecure, needy – so very human. (Oh, and that somewhat nauseating desire to drink her tasty smelling blood.) When she is bold enough to ask  him if he’ll still love her when she’s immortal like him, I think she’s on the right track….although Edward says he will. I just wish Meyers would clue the rest of us into what is actually so darn loveable about this twit (her imperfections would be endearing if she had any real depth). 


But I digress a bit. The thing is, I had a boyfriend once who I felt this gravitational pull towards. It wasn’t that he was the handsomest guy I knew, but there was something about him. Our relationship was always a bit volatile – not physically, but emotionally. Sometimes he would write me the most incredible poetry and I would feel so loved. Other times, I never quite felt like enough and his criticism would cut at me. On my end, I was pigheaded, insecure, and self-protecting. But I hated feeling like I didn’t quite measure up, passionate for someone despite the fact that we never quite clicked right.  (I hope he doesn’t read this, but he never liked my writing anyway, so I think I’m fairly safe). This is, of course, not quite like Bella and Edward. He would never say a bad word against her. But the feeling of inadequacy is the same. And perhaps this clouds their relationship for me.


So, the question is, if not Edward, who do I consider to be the “perfect” man? While Jacob certainly took over a soft spot in my reader’s heart and clouded all my judgement when it came to Bella and Edward, it’s not Jacob. But he’s closer to my ideal. At least, the wear -his-heart-on-his sleeve, want to settle down to a normal life, he’s like the sun kind of Jake. 


When I told my husband I was composing this post in my head, he jokingly said, “So, you’re going to write a post about me?” No worries – I am not going to bore you by gushing over my sweet, wonderful husband (well, maybe a little). But he cut to the core of all of this for me. Truth is, in my experience, the “perfect” man is not perfect. 


The perfect man has room to grow, changes to make, problems to solve, and challenges to overcome. He farts sometimes and makes you crazy when he repeatedly forgets to clear his dishes. He says the wrong things and hurts your feelings and doesn’t always have the perfect apology. He might get a little belly from eating better as a married guy or nose hair as he matures. His hobbies won’t necessarily be the same as yours and you might despise his favorite band. 


But here’s the thing…you’ll be imperfect to and he’ll cherish you anyway. He might change your mind about video games and you’ll end up playing them together. You might introduce him to a book he never would have considered before. You’ll grow older together and get new quirks and figure those out as they come too. As you work through mistakes, heartache, and difficulties, you’ll grow together. This guy will be your best friend because you strive together, parent together, work it out together, and learn to forgive even if you still think you’re right. 


Most significantly for me, my perfect man is the good guy. I used to dream of marrying a tall, dark, older, brooding, handsome man. My Barbies used to date men with “bad pasts.” I even spun my wheels during my twenties attracted to guys were moody and broken. But – and here comes the mushy part – my husband showed me that the good guys are the hidden treasures. I actually married a clean-cut, tall, handsome, nice guy who is a year younger than me and I couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else. 


With a good guy, you have trust, friendship, laughter, honesty, hope, and home. They are the best of companions and life with them is anything but boring. And, when you’re tempted to dwell on their supposed imperfections, you realize how wonderful life is with them because you feel happy as imperfect you.