The Value of a True Friend

I look at my blog and I can’t believe I haven’t posted since Wednesday. If you are new to my blog, please know that this is not my usual routine. You can generally find something new here about 5 times a week. I’ve made a few attempts at posts since Wednesday, but the sunshine, Easter activities, Blogger issues, and mostly post-recovery pain (yes, still) have waylaid me. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

There is something incredibly humbling about being in a place where you need help; where making it through the day is a struggle emotionally or physically; where limitations make it difficult or impossible to take care of your family; where you can not possibly keep up with your commitments. While I have definitely struggled in my life before, I’ve never had to so wholly depend on the love and kindness of friends.

Over the past couple of months, my understanding of friendship has changed and grown immensely. After my miscarriage, the support and kindness of my friends – nearby, far away, and virtual – overwhelmed me. I was amazed and humbled by the incredible women who came forward to share personal experiences, support, and love. I felt such gratitude for friends who listened in person, via phone, or email. I am incredibly grateful for a few friends in particular who reached out to me with such delicacy and encouraged me to be gentle with myself. I needed their wise words and, in a way, their permission to grieve and not diminish my experience.

Then came the doctor’s visit, the blood test, the phone calls. This dragged on and my friends supported me and continued to look after my health. Then came the pain. More than a month and a half later, my HCG blood levels still weren’t low enough, and I started experiencing abdominal and back pain. By the end of a day, the pain would extend to my  hands and feet. I visited the chiropractor without getting real relief.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend called to offer to watch Ezra while I went to the chiropractor and got another blood test. The pain continued and I ended up needing to go to the doctor later that afternoon for an ultrasound. I couldn’t reach anyone else, so she took my kids again. When the ultrasound showed an enormous cyst that needed to be removed immediately, she kept them until my husband could come for them later that night. And I was humbled to have a dear friend who did this without question, without pausing to look at her schedule, without worrying about herself.

Surgery turned out to be a bit more complicated than expected, my appendix looked funny, and it was removed as an added bonus. Before I even left the hospital the next afternoon, another wonderful, amazing, organized friend had dinners set up for the week and a place for my little ones to go all day Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. This involved four dear friends who cared for and loved my children while I recovered. And I could never thank them enough for the peace of mind it brought me to know my kids were in their care. Amazingly enough, these were not the only offers of help – others brought food, volunteered to help, drove my daughter to school, and on and on.

And for those who think “virtual” friends or those we connect with ten years post-high school are silly, the truth is they can truly be gems. A blogger friend who I’ve never met in person checked in with me regularly via email to provide support. I was amazed that she cared enough to do that. Then she called me the following week when the drugs had worn off and I was more coherent – and I talked her ear off. I’d been couped up by myself for so long, it felt good to talk. I can’t express how much her taking the time to reach out in this way meant to me.

Then, a sweet friend I reconnected with via facebook who has struggled herself with miscarriage took the time to send me the most thoughtful message letting me know of her pregnancy. She’d been hoping for a child for a long time and took the time to think of me and my feelings in the midst of her celebration. Incredible.

Frankly, I could go on and on in this post, but I would be remiss if I didn’t include my dear sister who checked in with me daily from afar and my sweet, loving mother who is always so wise. And my best friend, my husband, who took on so much and was supportive even when he didn’t entirely understand.Who continues to support me while this drags on a bit. Some days when I look at him, I feel like my heart is bursting a bit.

Today, when I think of my friends, it is with a new sweetness, an enhanced gratitude, and increased love. My desire to be the type of friend they’ve exemplified has grown. I hope to carry their examples with me for the remainder of my life and, when I see others in need, remember how others cared for me in my own need.