Yesterday, my Ella felt especially contradictory. If I said find your sandals, she wanted tennis shoes. If I said time for breakfast, she insisted it was lunch. When I asked her to stop teasing her brother so he would finish eating, she persistently asked, “Why?” after every conceivable explanation. She’s clearly testing her limits lately and has been asserting her independence for quite some time now. Combined with this is an insatiable curiosity and admirable desire to understand the world around her.
Sometimes this mix is helpful because she’s more willing to simply try something and is often pleasantly surprised to discover all that she can accomplish on her own. It can also make her a terrific helper, loving older sister, and delightful companion. On the flip side, the mix can turn volatile and make her an ornery, stubborn, contrary soul. Other times, the constant questions and the repeated refrain of “Why?” simply test my patience.
Raising a preschooler has added a new hero to my list: preschool teacher. When I’ve visited Ella’s classroom, the patient tone and positive phrases consistently used by the teacher and her aide impress me. I look up to these ladies and try to mimic their mannerisms as a parent. It’s truly a talent to help a child have choices, positively encourage them to be independent, teach them to be courteous, and be firm in rules without being overbearing. I know they aren’t perfect and they only have the children 2 1/2 hours out of a day, but I admire them.
Sometimes I am able to use the some of the techniques I’ve learned from them and answer with patience and keep my cool. Other times, I raise my voice and get frustrated too easily.At the end of some long days, I run out of the energy to talk things through and patiently answer the “whys?”. I then find myself using those phrases I swore I’d never ever say when I was a mom. Recently heard from my mouth (most likely this morning):
Because I’m the mom.
I’m not going to say it again.
I said No.
Listen to me.
I’m the mom. I’m in charge.
Don’t even think about it.
If I have to ask you one more time…
I can’t hear you. What’s the magic word?
It’s inevitable. Next up: Because I said so.
What phrases come out of your mouth that you swore you’d never say?
Because I’m the mom.
I’m not going to say it again.
I said No.
Listen to me.
I’m the mom. I’m in charge.
Don’t even think about it.
If I have to ask you one more time…
I can’t hear you. What’s the magic word?
It’s inevitable. Next up: Because I said so.
What phrases come out of your mouth that you swore you’d never say?
I swore I wasn’t going to say “NO!” all the time. I always seem to start with “stop.” Then try a redirect, but somehow it never seems to work as I’ve planned and ends up with, “NO!” Which, of course, is now one of my 22 month old’s favorite words, along with stop or rather, “bop!”
It probably doesn’t help that my husband constantly says “NO!” both to our son and our 3 dogs! :o)
I can’t be totally sure yet, but I’m about 90% positive that I’m going to turn into my mother (who I swore up and down I would never turn into) as soon as I have a child.
I’m sure my repertoire it will include your list and more.
All of the ones on your list, for sure. I’ve said them all. Repeatedly. And “Because I said so”, is simply sometimes the truth! Sometimes, there is no good reason, other than my choice!
***Ally
Because Mumma said so… and that would be why I named my blog the same… LOL
I must say that 1500 times a week!
Patty
I cant remember saying I’d never say certain things, but I do surprise myself when those sorts of phrases come out of my mouth sometimes… Reminds me (as if I should forget!) that I really AM a mom! LOL!
First of all, I’m not a mom but spending 40 hours a week with 7-year-olds sure makes me feel like one sometimes, and I don’t think there is one shameful phrase on your list. In fact, I think it is naïve, non-disciplinarian types who either don’t have kids or don’t spend much time with them, who misguidedly think these phrases should be off limits. Yes, people often mix these phrases with a disparaging tone of voice that can be unhealthy, but you can ABSOLUTELY be firm while using these phrases and still discipline in a way that helps kids retain their dignity. I think 90% of disciplining with dignity has to do with your tone of voice. Kids need to know their limits and they are not going to be permanently damaged or broken because they don’t get a warm, fuzzy explanation to every attempt to have their limits explained. They won’t find this amenity in their adult life and I think it’s a disservice to them and others who deal with them daily (i.e. their teachers) to make them think they deserve to have everything explained to them. For Heaven’s sake, God doesn’t even do that for us. I know I sound harsh—maybe it’s the incredibly limit-testing class I’ve had this year, I don’t mean to say that kids never deserve to know why they are expected to do something, but I definitely don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. Unless you’re consistently screaming and yelling at your kids while informing them that you’re the boss (which I find hard to believe you would do), I think you have nothing to worry about. In fact, it’s probably good for her to hear “because I said so,” every so often, I know I probably would have benefited from hearing it more frequently in my life. As a teacher I use many different tools for disciplining and managing a class; parenting must be similar. As long as you’re not making these phrases 90% of your disciplining tool bag I think you have no reason to feel bad.
Um, that should be “their adult lives.”