I wasn’t at the bottom of the Upchurch mother totem pole; I wasn’t even on the pole. I could barely see the pole. If one woman announced that she was using recycled-paper diapers, the mother next to her was using cloth, and the woman next to her was using cloth diapers she’d personally sewn. If one mother was allowing her child to eat only organic food, then Mommy Number Two was feeding her kid organic vegetarian cuisine, and the mommy after her was an organic cruelty-free vegan who gave her children only cucumbers and carrots grown in her backyard, nourished with mulch she composted herself. ~ from Goodnight Nobody by Jennifer Weiner.
Have you ever set up a play date with another mom, thrilled to have the kiddos playing in another room and soaking up some adult conversation? You’re enjoying yourselves, then the conversation changes to some aspect of motherhood and you find yourselves, despite your best intentions, asserting your parenting style, mentally criticizing hers, or mutually connecting over your disapproval of another mom absent that day? Perhaps you’re just passionate about your positive experience with something, such as baby wearing, breastfeeding, the benefits of daycare, the evils of juice before one, or how never using the word “no” will help a child develop the optimal emotional health? You thought you were sharing some info that the other mom would appreciate, but suddenly things are uncomfortably tense?
Most of the time, I believe we don’t intend to do it. The majority of our interactions aren’t a competition or focused on one-upping each other. In general, I think the whole concept of “mommy wars” is ridiculous. Moms participate in play dates, lap sits, story time, pre-K groups, PTA, etc., to introduce their children to other kids, involve them in activities, and engage in a positive way with other moms. We’re looking for friendship, support, suggestions, and, some days, the feeling that we’re “normal.” My friends are more likely to make me feel okay for considering splashing in the kiddie pool in the backyard a “bath” that day and checking off french fries as a vegetable than to ever make me feel small.
When things do turn tense, negative, or hurtful, I think the mother’s involved are usually well-intentioned. If you’ve had a really wonderful experience with something, it’s natural to want to share it. The problem arises when this well-meaning help isn’t asked for, or wanted, or ends up only causing the other mom to feel like you believe her choices are less than yours.
Moms have interests beyond motherhood, too, such as the environment, religion, economic concerns, and health. These all influence our choices and the brand of baby items we purchase, the food we eat, the type of discipline we use, even the craft projects we make. We may not realize it, but these over-arching interests and beliefs can sometimes heighten our sensitivity about our choices and cause us to be prickly about something that seems otherwise benign. Why else would we find our back stiffening and voice tightening when talk turns to diapers and snacks?
The more I engage with other moms in real life and online, the more I discover incredible, intelligent, compassionate, passionate women that I admire and want to know better. I watch them interact lovingly with their children and read about the silly things that made them smile on an ordinary-extraordinary day and I want to emulate them. We may not agree on everything, but that’s part of what makes our relationship interesting.
I’m not looking to compete for some “World’s Best Mom” crown. I want real friendships where I can feel safe sharing my fears, concerns, triumphs, hopes, trials, mistakes, accomplishments, ideas, and passions and listen as my friends share theirs in turn. I want to be a support to other moms, to listen to their ideas, to adopt some of their suggestions, and to respectively disagree. I want to laugh over our foibles, cry over our sorrows, forgive each other when we speak out of turn, and celebrate each other’s accomplishments as if they were our own. I hope you feel this as you visit my blog, as we exchange emails, as we tweet back and forth, and interact on playdates.
Screw the mommy wars.
This is not a competition.
Interesting thoughts. I do think people are well-intentioned, and perhaps unprepared for the judging that goes on. Because if somebody does something different than the guard immediately goes up in order to defend what might be perceived as wrong. And you’re right, it’s totally silly.
But it definitely happens.
I have started to hesitate to share my experiences with natural childbirth because I see it making people feel defensive/judged/angry. I don’t think I’m better than another because of that choice, but I do have experience to share. Now I share only if I’m asked point blank and I only give minimum info.
Great post Mindy!
I have been on both sides of this…I have accidentally made someone feel uncomfortable when they ask about some of my parenting techniques and I have been made to feel like poo about the fact that I had to have an emergency csection (after 36 hours of labor) and that I couldn’t breastfeed (my baby wouldn’t latch, what can I do?). We are all excited about how we do things and usually just feel like we are sharing. I know that I won’t take my kid to Mc Donalds…ever but I let him have a couple swigs of diet pepsi a day. If all he wants to eat is applesauce and fruitloops then I give it too him. Food is food. Anyway…enough babbling…really enjoyed this post.
Well said!
Because I’m your big Sis I of course know it all. One of things I do know is the older I get and the more life I experience the less I know. My experience will never be exactly like yours even though we’re from the same family and were raised the same way. Writing about dad’s cancer was just one example. Raising kids is another. One of the “blessings” of my “swear in the bathroom pregnancy” and the resulting 10 year gap between my kids, is perspective. I’ve gotten to be a young mother and an old mother. I’ve breast fed and had babies who wouldn’t latch on. I’ve worked and stayed home. I’ve been on WIC and I’ve had insurance. There were days I would take a book and go to the “indoor park” at Artic Circle so I could sit in air conditioning when I was in my twenties. My youngest now requests to go to Taco Bell on the drive home and has his order ready. I think we all do what we can to survive. We all love our kids and want what is best for them. I share my opinion and experience hoping it helps others. Everybody else does the same. Some do it for praise or notice. Most of us though, I think, do it as support.
But if it were, I’d win! ;-))
All kidding aside … I think this was very well-said, and to be honest, I think a lot of the hurt feelings comes down to the fact that as moms, we are seemingly always picking ourselves apart. You know, the fact that my 6 year old was mean to a friend on a playdate MUST be my fault, right?? I MUST have missed some part of my parenting role …. right?
You get my point … a lot of it comes down to our own insecurities IMO … and you’re absolutely right, we need to build each other up and support/respect each other!
And for what it’s worth – I think you’re a top-notch mom!!
I was in Target today and saw a couple agonizing about what kind of bottles and pacifiers to buy for their unborn baby. On another aisle I saw new parents vigorously discussing which kind of diapers would be best for their infant. I just had to laugh because I remember being there myself not long ago!
I sooooo wanted to stop point out my favorite baby products to save these families from spending 30 minutes in the same aisle trying to make the decision. But just like you said, when the advice comes unsolicited then it can feel like someone else shoving their preferences down your throat!
But when you do ask for the advice from a trusted mom and get some great thoughts, it can be so helpful. I guess you just can’t win either way. 🙂
I forgot to say….it’s like we channel all of our junior high insecurities through our kids and the parenting decisions we make–yikes!
I have to agree with you here. Most of my interaction, sadly is online. Recently a girl I went to school with asked my opinion about spanking. For several months we had been going back and forth on facebook and email with nice chats about all things parenting related, we have girls that were born about a week apart so we had been comparing notes (although we live in different cities and so on-interesting to see similar things in themm). Notice I said HAD BEEN. I told her that the discipline of a child is up to each parent, but that I was spanked as a child, and that if we thought it was necessary to get the point across, we would do so with our own daughter. Some kids just ‘don’t get’ time outs. They don’t work, end of story. I said that each parent had to tailor discipline to the child’s unique personality and that she had to find what was right for her. I emphasized that I didn’t know her kid, so I could not comment on what she should do. She basically quit talking to me. No more messages back and forth on facebook, no more emails, no more blog comments.
I said nothing rude about her or her choices, nor did I say her kid was spoiled or.. well, anything that should have been a red flag. I can only assume that she either took what I said the wrong way, or she thinks anyone even considering spanking to be ‘the devil’. Since then I have noticed she has taken several things I have said personally via facebook. That really weren’t. For instance, she had a negative experience at WalMart. It was obvious that her interaction was with a less than stellar employee. Most of the people commenting on her status said how stupid, redneck, and toothless WalMart employees were and she basically agreed (without saying so specifically). My own mom worked at WalMart for a long time. My comment was that I was of the opinion that you get all kinds of people working places and that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt-maybe their dog died that day you never know but that there are good WalMart employees as well as bad ones and that I hoped she had better luck next time. She said ‘sorry, but I get that all the time at Walmart’.. Not sure what she was sorry about? But it rang of sarcasm instead of sincerity. I guess I will just have to enjoy seeing her kid grow up and not say anything that isn’t totally neutral. I have no wars with anyone.
Totally agree. I had a huge comment written and it got quashed so here’s a cliff notes version. This happens to me with online people. They don’t agree with something I say, or don’t say, so they ‘ban’ talking to me.
Insert rolling of eyes here.
Well said! Striving to the best makes us miss out on a lot of great moments
Well put Mindy!
At work there are lot of us new and almost new moms, we tend to share our faults with each other rather than be judged by each other. We come right out and say for instance, “My kid drove me nuts today, begging for candy so, expletive, I gave him a Snickers for lunch. I’m not arguing with it anymore!” that usually leads to someone else saying, “yah, my bad today too, I gave him a cupcake for breakfast!” LOL. By the end everyone has shared something they know they shouldn’t do but sometimes you just have too. We never judge because we have all said something we should not have done but were all human. I think it’s a great group of women I work with because they understand what a Mom is. You know? We are NOT perfect, we do make mistakes ALL OF US… LOL
amen! Screw the mommy wars!! BTW, love, love, love jennifer Weiner. Have you read Good in Bed??? Awesome.
Great post!
In a perfect world… ahhh it would be so nice if we all could just get along, but in my experience here women are SO competitive. I rarely speak up or share because I won’t do the competition thing.
That is why I like to blog. People are more real and less judgemental online.