We don’t get in furious, screaming fights at our house. Tense, frustrated disagreements where she’s tart and unreasonable and he’s unfailingly stubborn and obtuse are more our style. In general, I’m definitely the one more likely to use an angry tone and unkind words, while he’s more likely to dig in his heels with tense shoulders and hurt frustration.
Cool heads, quick sorrow for ever being hurtful, and a desire to be whole again quickly prevail in most of these situations and we move on without holding grudges. I’m pretty certain that all couples have their things that they will never entirely see eye to eye on, however. You might reconcile, compromise, agree to disagree, but you know it will perpetually come up. And, whatever you decide, only one of you can be happy with the outcome.
And I hate it. I despise knowing that, almost without fail, a mental barrier comes in my head when this topic comes up. I feel a stubbornness rise up in me, an unexplained rebellion over whatever he’s proposing. My defense mechanisms shoot up and my mouth automatically creates a tight line of defense. Each time, I can see how this make him exhausted and exasperated. Internally my heart breaks knowing that I’m hurting him, but externally I fight the fruitless fight.
If I had an anonymous blog, I might go into more detail. But really it’s not necessary. Neither one of us is “right” here, really. We each have our reasons and motivations and neither is being entirely unreasonable. That’s the problem. I know I’ve got to find a way to relax my prejudices, let go of the past, think more rationally about this, and compromise. And there are certainly a few things he could address on his end, but I’ll leave that list for him to create.
For now, we’ve worked it out this time. But neither one of us will be entirely happy with the outcome. Me because I didn’t get my way and probably rightfully so. Him because he got his way, but it’s a bittersweet victory.
This:
“In general, I’m definitely the one more likely to use an angry tone and unkind words, while he’s more likely to dig in his heels with tense shoulders and hurt frustration.”
Is exactly how it is when my husband and I argue. And it’s never screaming fights either, but some hurtful things are said and sometimes a mutually beneficial resolution isn’t reached.
I hope that whatever happened, that you guys will be able to move beyond it quickly. I totally know how you are feeling right now, though. It’s so frustrating.
I can relate. We all have our hot buttons.
I’m more likely to get angry and resentful, then lash out and finally get quiet. It’s so hard. Marriage is hard work and a series of compromises….
Marriage is so hard. We try to find compromises, but the truth is that whoever “wins”- the other person is usually a little resentful.
Marriage is a lot of work and a lot of compromising. Sometimes it is hard to let things go.
My husband and I get along 98% of the time but there are things that drive us both crazy but they seem to be unavoidable. Sometimes he acts like a wounded puppy and sometimes I act like he’s a moron. If I had a anon blog I would rant and rave occasionally but I don’t.
Marriage is work, lots of compromises.
Your marriage’s dynamic sounds so very familiar. Glad this one is “put to bed” for now. I know how exhausting it is to have the same issues come up!