My church had a conference this weekend that they hold twice annually and is broadcast throughout the world. The speakers are always eloquent, direct, and inspiring. They encourage us and admonish us and above all else remind us that our lives can be more purposeful, more Christ-centered, and more joyful. I needed to hear these messages and realized that my heart was aching for me to take action and personal responsibility to overcome some of the frustration and discouragement I’ve felt building over the last few months.
I think much of this began with my miscarriage and the numerous unanswered questions that come with such an experience, followed by the unexpected (and connected) surgery, then an extremely difficult and hurtful situation that I am still grappling with how to handle today. The sadness, discouragement, and anger I experienced caused what I can only explain as a sort of stunt in growth in my faith. And the truth is that a testimony will wither and diminished if untended. I hadn’t lost my faith, but I’d lost the will to move forward in a way. I’d stopped fully trusting in the promises of God and my heart was only half in.
I attended a meeting a couple of weeks ago with a good friend and decided to open up my heart to her. She responded with such generosity and I was grateful that she wasn’t ashamed to share that she’d struggled with similar feelings. Her heartfelt words, her sincere encouragement to return to the basics of scripture study and prayer, to ask God for help in faith, touched me. I’ve felt my heart grow more tender and soft since then and the resistance I’ve felt to moving forward, the hardness tightening around my heart, have loosened their grip on me.
From that time on, I’ve tentatively worked to move forward in faith, to ask my husband for support, to expect that God will bless me with peace, hope, and understanding. And as I have, I’ve felt this overwhelming feeling that God is saying to me, “I’m here. I never left you. I’ll never leave you.” The opening talk in the conference seemed to open up a well of feelings just waiting to be acknowledged as the speaker reminded me what I already knew to be true, what I so desperately needed to remember: “You are individually loved by God.”
All is not suddenly perfect for me, but I feel lighter, more hopeful, and determined to take action, to move forward, to test the promises of God.
We may not share the same faith, but I felt the need to open my heart and share this today, as if someone else needed to hear this message as well. Today I hope you know that you are not alone and that you are loved.
I’m so glad you were able to experience this and get that renewing you needed. Continued prayers for you mama! Hugs!
Thank you for your honesty. As a woman who suffers infertility and miscarriages and as a Christian, I completely understand your pain and struggles. It is difficult to declare that God is Good {all the time} – when going through this type of loss.
In my infertility group at church, we talk about this often. I always hold dear to my heart that even those men closest to Jesus had doubts of faith during their suffering. Paul speaks often during his troubles about losing faith. Even Jesus himself said, “Oh Father, why have you forsaken me.”
You are not alone! I am your sister in suffering and I thank you for your honesty.
I pray an increase in your faith and a your passion for the Word. I pray that God wraps you in the light of love and heals your pain.
Mindy, I definitely need to hear this today! You actually gave me goosebumps (sounds weird but it did) I could have used it a week ago but, hearing it today does help! Thanks for posting this and I wish I was at that conference! :o)