It Always Complicates Things

I recently discovered the addictive Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix Watch Instantly.  I know I’m behind the times, but I don’t have cable, so I wait for shows to make their way to my instant queue.  During my short two seasons of Grey’s, I’ve noticed that, while the show focuses on a myriad of issues, they generally boil down to two things: Life is complex and sex always complicates things.

From the beginning, the show’s primary romance is based initially on a one-night stand, a premise I would normally find less than appealing. But the flirtation between Meredith and McDreamy drew me in – those “looks,” the agony of indecision, the electricity.  The show had someone managed to take something that began with just sex into an intriguing romance.  As I watched, however, I couldn’t help thinking, “This would be a lot less complicated if they’d never had sex.”  Despite this, I remained eager to see where things went next, even after his wife shows up and says “So you’re the woman who’s been sleeping with my husband.”

The show regularly acknowledges that sex complicates things.  Then it proceeds to send the message that a libido is irresistible, that it’s nearly impossible to use your head when faced with the heady allure of attraction, that you can’t move forward in a relationship without answering the ever-important sexual compatibility question.  Careers are threatened, reputations ruined, health jeopardized, and friendships broken due to choices made regarding sex. But time after time, the characters continue to make irresponsible decisions based on their libidos – and regularly excuse each other for it and act as though it’s all inevitable. And often, the terms “sex” and “romance” seem interchangeable, except when it’s clearly just a way of coping with stress, uncertainty, and loss.

As I was completing Season 2 and watching the first episode of Season 3, I thought there was an amazing contrast in two relationships. As I mentioned before, I was totally enthralled by the Meredith/Derek/Addison situation and felt that his acknowledging that he struggled with is feelings for his Meredith, while wanting to work on his marriage, was acceptable. It was just a tv show anyway. Then the passionate glances between the the first two turned into something else – knowing adultery on both of their parts and it soured things for me.  When you’re watching tv, it’s easy to confuse sex with romance and think that the inevitable consequence of passionate love is to immediately make love – no matter who it hurts or betrays in the process.

On the other hand, there’s the relationship between Izzy and Denny. Due to his heart condition, sex can’t cause the same complications here. There’s flirtation and sexual talk, but friendship, romance, and love all develop without the sexual compatibility test.  Without the addition of a sexual relationship, their love doesn’t feel any less real or committed. In fact, without the complication of sex, their kisses have a different kind of passion, their romance a different sweetness to it.

I am, admittedly, old-fashioned when it comes to sex. Television’s common assertion is that abstinence is a thing of the past and nearly impossible/incredibly difficult once you’ve been sexually active. The second is most likely very true. But I do believe that life is about choices and that we have much more control than shows such as Grey’s implies. Replay many of the common scenarios you see on tv or in the movies and take out the complications of sex, especially between two people who barely know each other, and things look much different.

Imagine if Derek had found his wife cheating on him, left for Seattle, and then simply dated Meredith. He would still be married, but things would be entirely less complicated if they’d fallen in love without falling into the sack. If they weren’t sleeping together, but simply interested in each other, it wouldn’t have the same consequences at work. And Meredith would feel a lot less uncomfortable walking through the halls with Addison if she’d never had sex with her husband, but simply dated and fell in love with a man she believed was single.

As adults, we all make decisions about sex, and my own have told me that the message we often hear about sex – that it’s inevitable in relationships, that it’s necessary to have several sexual partners to gain experience before marriage, that you couldn’t possibly marry someone without testing sexual compatibility first – are not universal truths. In fact, studies such as this find that delaying sex and building other aspects of a relationship first makes for happier, more enduring relationships.

As I consider talking about the issue of sex one day with my own children, I will talk to them about my own beliefs, encourage them to develop their own, and hopefully prepare them to make wise decisions that will lead them to build healthy relationships. I actually think the message from Grey’s will be a valuable one: Life is complex and sex always complicates things.