Yesterday morning, discontent emanated from my daughter. Her brother had managed to make it upstairs without waking her, he ate some breakfast, then proceeded to return downstairs and unceremoniously turn on the light while she slept. I could relate: I detest being woken up abruptly with a glaring light. The stubborn set of her mouth and disgruntled body language told me, however, that she wouldn’t be getting over this quickly.
I had to stamp down the urge to remind her that two kids usually woke me up before I was ready every morning by pushing, prodding, and talking loudly in my ear. I tried to show sympathy, be encouraging, use my soft voice. We were running out of time and I wanted to reverse our routine – get all dressed first so she could dawdle over breakfast and still be ready when the carpool arrived. Ella wasn’t having any of it, though. I felt exhausted before 8 am.
The remainder of the day just got progressively worse with moments of sunshine. In general, I felt totally ineffectual as a parent. It seemed that both my kids were deaf to everything I said and unbearably wound up. Maybe it was because my family had been cooped up all weekend with fevers and sore throats and they were relishing their freedom. Whatever it was, nothing I tried seemed to work. Not even my terrible mommy voice did anything but temporarily stop them. Add this horrible, persistent, constant pain I feel from what is probably a pinched nerve due to pregnancy and I was hanging by a thread by 2 pm.
As my daughter’s terrible attitude and naughty behavior progressively worsened throughout the day, I tried to remind myself of something my cousin Megen once told me. I’m sure I won’t do it justice, but I’m sure she can correct me if I don’t have it quite right. I like to get Megen’s perspective: She is more reserved than I am, so when she speaks it’s usually because she has something interesting to say. She’s single, an aunt, and a teacher, so she has a different perspective than I do.
She told me once that she could see a difference in student’s based on how their parents viewed themselves in relation to their children. Parents who could recognize that their children were autonomous beings – susceptible to their parent’s influence and example, but ultimately individuals who made their own choices – had children who were more accountable for their actions, able to respect authority, and better behaved. Parents who had difficulty with this distinction – who instantly rose to their child’s defense no matter what the issue, who seemed to view their child’s actions as a direct reflection on them – had children who struggled with authority, respect, and behaving well.
So, as I felt myself growing embarrassed at my child’s behavior and feeling frustrated, I tried to remember this: She is an individual who has good days and bad days. She can make choices and accept consequences. I am responsible for how I act, how I respond, for my own example. It was my mantra. But it was still incredibly frustrating and all I wanted was for their Dad to come home and work his I’ve-been-gone-all-day-so-I’m-not-frustrated-yet magic.
As these mystifying days often do, things ended with Ella snuggled on my lap during family night, caressing my hand, listening intently, then explaining the Resurrection of Christ to her parents as we talked about Easter. We prepared for bed and read stories just as if it had been a normal day and she went to bed playing the “I love you this much” game with me. And, as I started to feel pride at these things, I laughed at myself a bit. Because Ella is a complex individual and, just as her bad behavior wasn’t something I needed to claim, these wonderful attributes were mainly her successes as well.
I only pray we’ll have a more balanced day today.
And some St. Patrick’s Day Photos Just for Fun:
Aaahh she grew again! haha, or at least she looks like she did. I notice that Nate is more loving and cuddly at the end of bad days, it’s as if they know we could really use the snuggles in order to not kick them the next day. ;]
Oh Mindy, she’s grown up so fast! Love your parting thought there – how she is in charge of her … for better or for worse.
Oh man, I feel like I have a lot of these days. I know part of it is my lack of sleep from having a baby, yet still feeling the need to be as close to supermom as I can get (hahaha). I appreciate your cousin’s point of view. I’ll have to remember that, especially on these “endless days”.
Hope today was better for you!
Oh, but it’s SO hard sometimes not to take their behavior personally! I send my second graders off to library, computer lab, or P.E. sometimes and then find that they’ve behaved like stinkers for those teachers, and then all I want to do is cringe so hard that plastic surgery is required to undue the look of pain on my face.
Some days, it’s hard to remember that they are their own person and not just an extension of us. But I think you have a wonderful parenting attitude, and are raising strong children not afraid to be themselves, and that is something to pat yourself on the back for.
BTW, have I ever told you how much I like the name Ella? And I just love the facial expressions in those pictures. Adorable.
-Ally
I only wish I could have been as good of mom as you are. You definitely have strong willed and sometimes single minded children.