Not My Kid

I think it’s natural to always view our children through that protective lens. You know the one you have to resist sometimes as they get older and it’s time to let them “use their words,” “problem solve,” and “work it out on their own”? Some part of you will always see your child as the innocent one who needs you to stand up for them. In your mind, your child is that sweet little toddler emerging into the world of words and play, sweetly asking “Want to play with me, please?”

It’s hard to accept that sometimes it’ll be your kid hurting someone’s else’s feelings, acting selfish, leaving someone out, taking a toy, hitting when they don’t get their way. This isn’t a harbinger of horrors to come, signaling that you have a future bully on your hands. In fact, psychologists would probably consider it a natural and necessary part of growing and figuring out the dynamics of human relationships. But that doesn’t do much to make it easier to swallow when your kid isn’t behaving like the kind, compassionate, loving person you know them to be.

As we attend play groups, have friends over, babysit, go to preschool, etc., watching kids interact is a huge reminder that at certain points we’ll all be the littlest one, the oldest, the one left out, the ringleader, the joker, the whiner, the irrational one, the peacemaker. Sometimes we’ll feel extraordinarily proud as we watch our child comfort someone else, share, and show genuine compassion. Other times, we’ll groan as they are ungrateful, rude, bossy, or aggressive.

As a parent on the outside, it seems like the lesson should be so obvious to kids. Remember yesterday when you came crying to me because some big kids left you out? Do you recall how painful it was to share your favorite toy? How would you feel if one of your friends said that to you?

But kids are human and they live in the moment. They often act out of self-interest and self-preservation. They’re also amazing because they’re open to learning, receptive to praise, and they sincerely want to do what’s good. And they wouldn’t feel the benefits of learning to apologize, forgive, be forgiven, or demonstrate true remorse if they behaved perfectly all of the time…but it’d sure be easier to watch.