You really think that?

We were at Applebees for our traditional once a month girls night out. The group, usually pushing the table’s limits at 8 or more, was lean that night. Four of us sat together, casually talking about life, kids, and whatever came up. Perhaps topics turned more weighty or serious because our small numbers made us less boisterous, more thoughtful.

My 5 year-old had endured her vaccinations for Kindergarten that day. Needless to say, she did not want those shots. I said something like, Ella got her shots today. It’s so much worse when they are older. My baby did much better with his recent shots. I think it would be so hard to delay vaccinations.


My friend, a woman I greatly admire and respect, joins in the discussion, sharing that she thinks her family is finally ready to vaccinate their 4 1/2 year-old. She and her husband are very independent minded and openly choose home schooling, a very natural diet, alternative medicine, and cloth diapering. But she never feels the need to announce these things and doesn’t have an agenda. They just live their life as they choose. And I want to be more like her.

She could have easily got her back up the moment I opened my mouth, angry that I was making a judgement about her choices. But she didn’t. She knows me. Instead, she began sharing how important it was to her research vaccinations in depth, how she never felt comfortable giving those shots to her babies, and how they were still making decisions about their 2 year-old.

A third mom joins in. She has a large family and also homeschools. They generally vaccinate on schedule, but she opts out of some immunizations, such as the chicken pox vaccine. I like this mom. We don’t make all of the same choices, but I think she has a terrific family. In fact, she is very private. I once told her about how I blog about my family life and she emphatically said I would never do that.

Then the HPV vaccine comes up, a sensitive topic these days. I am not surprised that she and I are in disagreement about this particular immunization – I will most definitely vaccinate, she will opt out. We both have strong opinions on the matter – mine related to the terrible effects of cervical cancer – hers that it hasn’t been tested enough and might need a booster. We discuss. We aren’t in agreement. But we’re not arguing.

Next, we find ourselves in *gasp* autism/vaccine territory. This is my fault. I like to talk and I tire of always talking about things that feel safe and never digging in deep with people. Something amazing happened. The conversation did not get uncomfortable. The idea that the vaccination-autism link has been disproved was pretty universally agreed upon, but the four of us were obviously in disagreement about the safety/necessity of all vaccines or the validity of the herd immunity argument.

Our conversation entered new territory.  The question remained: what is causing autism? My first friend, who eats a very natural diet, proposes that all of the preservatives in our diet and the ingredients we use seem likely as the culprits to her. I pipe in with the little bit of medical/research related knowledge I gleaned from working for the American Cancer Society: In my opinion, the increase isn’t as dramatic as it seems. We just have better tools to diagnose it.

At this point, my friend looks at me incredulously and replies You really think that?


I immediately reply, Yes. I do.


And you know what? We smiled. It wasn’t awkward. No one was offended. We continued the conversation. In fact, we found ourselves discussing it again the other day. It was a turning point for our friendship. Talking about this kind of thing is safe. We don’t have to agree. We don’t have to say the other person’s opinion/choice is also the best. We’re comfortable with our choices and okay letting others make different ones.

For me, this is what makes friendship rich and worthwhile. Talking about how we really feel. Saying what we really think. Not the unfiltered-by-social-gracious kind of sharing, but the this-is-who-I-really-am sharing. Because I have some firm opinions. But I’m still trying to figure so much out. I definitely believe certain choices are best, but I don’t think people who choose differently are terrible. And I’m interested in understanding how they made those choices, what they won’t budge on, where they’re wavering.

Because I am so much more than the shirt I am wearing, my haircut, the number of kids, how I’ve delivered, what I watched on tv last night, and what I cook for dinner. And so are you. But we live in a culture that tells us that there is no best choice, everyone is okay, and we should be cautious about discussing parenting choices because we might offend someone.

But here’s the thing: Right now, my choices related to nursing, discipline, diapering, housekeeping, diet, family activities, and marriage consume my days. They are an essential part of who I am. Some of them are easy, others are difficult. I want to talk about these things, really talk about them, with friends who’ve made all kinds of decisions. Because who knows? Maybe I will change my mind, consider other ideas that help me solidify my choices, or to better understand and respect why someone else chooses differently.