The post was clearly a knee-jerk reaction. A blogger came across an article that pushed one of her hot buttons and she quickly posted a link on her facebook page, boldly added her opinion on the matter, even using capital letters to emphasize her point.
As a recent follower, I felt a bit discomfited by her handling of a complex issue. I didn’t entirely disagree with her viewpoint, but I thought some sensitivity was missing. Her introduction to the topic did not bode well for intellectual or respectful discussion, so I moved on without commenting.
Fast forward to the next day. I see several follow up posts in my feed, including complaints about her frustration over lost followers since yesterday’s post. Then she becomes defensive and understandably so. This issue is clearly personal for her and, while she is saying it doesn’t matter, that she doesn’t care what people think, what she wants is support. Unfortunately, she’s seeking it in all the wrong ways.
I continue to be cool with the whole mess until she decides to attack the followers who’ve opted to leave her, begins to judge their motives, and criticize their ignorance. She, on the other hand, should be understood as compassionate, kind, the most open-minded, non-judgmental person you’ll ever meet. And I’m sure she is. On a good day. When no one disagrees with her.
I wouldn’t have stopped following due to the original post, but as derisive comments making assumptions about people who might disagree with her came in and she neglected to promote positive discussion, I felt the need to free up my news feed. The opportunity to discuss the issue in any meaningful way passed the moment she pulled out the CAPS.
Here’s the thing: I’m connected to a myriad of people in the blogosphere and facebook with differing viewpoints. I’ve discovered them because we have some commonality – cloth diapering, babywearing, motherhood, politics, religion, a love of winning free things, baking, high school, family connections, and so on. Most of the time, I’m cool with not agreeing on every topic and sometimes I’m grateful that we don’t. It’s refreshing when I meet people who are passionate, engaged, thoughtful, and informed. I can respect them and their viewpoints – and even rethink my own – without always agreeing with their conclusions.
It’s challenging to avoid the pitfalls of the bully pulpit. I’ve slipped and fell on my butt more times than I’d like to admit. Sometimes we don’t feel rational and respectful about a topic. Other times, it’s easiest to fall back on sarcasm and generalizations- they have their place as an efficient way to drive a point home. In the privacy of our own thoughts, with our spouse or a really good friend, we might even actually admit that we think the other side is loony, stupid, and mean, then feel empowered to let that language slip into our public voice. We allow ourselves to separate the issue from the people and the other side becomes “them,” rather than complex people, individuals we love and admire in other aspects of our lives.
Sometimes I err too far on the side of cautious out of concern for alienating readers or friends and I feel like a coward. I’ve had a post on vaccinations in my drafts for maybe a year, hoping to show the side of parents who choose to vaccinate in the cloth diapering, babywearing, eco-conscious community, where they tend to be a minority. But I know that I don’t feel a lukewarm “whatever you choose is awesome” about this topic and I want to make sure it comes from a sincere desire to discuss, respect, and interact, rather than inform, bully, and tear down. So it just sits there and taunts me.
I wish there was more room for real discussion online, a place to be honest without being cruel, a way to say “I stand for this” without implying, “If you don’t, you’re horrible,” an opportunity to disagree with a lifestyle choice without being hateful. I’m not sure there is. But I want there to be and I want to be a part of it.
Perhaps I’ll start this morning by returning to that facebook page and giving the writer the benefit of the doubt. I’ll give it time and discover her voice when she isn’t overcome by anger. Truthfully, if I stopped following every person I disagreed with, who who occasionally used a derisive tone, who implied that I (well, not me, but people like me) am stupid for my choices by their posts, I wouldn’t engage on the internet at all. And my online followers would quickly drop to zero. The trick is to build trust, learn to enjoy each other, and refrain from engaging when discussing (read arguing about) an issue will take you nowhere. Oh, and never, ever use CAPS.
I’ve written about this before. Probably ad nauseam. But I’m curious, is it possible to respectfully discuss hot topics on the internet? Do you save this for in person discussions, or are there bloggers or public figures you respect to generate and moderate thought-provoking discussions? Or do you like a bit of a bully pulpit, someone who lets their readers have it?
I have a hard time with people who use facebook as a pulpit for issues on politics, religion, etc. Of course, I’m a lot more forgiving of people who express opinions similar to mine. But most of my family and old friends are conservative (whereas I am not) and very vocal about it and I’ve just had to hide them from my news feed. I just can’t handle it.
I don’t like that FB is the place where people share their knee-jerk reactions and opinions, but unfortunately that’s not going to change. All I can do is ignore it and not post knee-jerk comments and make it even worse.
I try not to write about hot button issues, or if I do, leave room for other people’s opinion, and quadruple check for ‘mean’, because it can easily slip in when you have a personal blog, especially if its not read by many people. I feel comfortable with a few people, like you, who I know won’t jump down my throat. Otherwise? I try and stay out of it.
Honestly, I am not sure if people can truly have discussions, disagree and carry on through social media. I think it is even more difficult when we don’t truly know one another, aside from our blog posts and occassional chit chat.
I follow several blogs where I defintely disagree with their political views but I like their writing and their honesty. The difference is that they never use their position to make others feel bad, they do not attack and they defintely do not condem their readers.
I would be hard pressed to remain a follower of one who attacks their readers for differing opinions, even in the heat of the moment.
There are a few things that I don’t go into on my blog often or ever. Mainly because I’ve noticed the majority of people are incapable of seeing the other side of things and since they are ‘hidden’ behind the internet they are more cruel.
Great post Mindy!
I for one, do not mind what people post about. Everyone has their own views on things. I can agree to disagree with their views. I have thought of starting a blog to express my views, even if it is not a popular view, it is my view and if people do not like it then they do not have to read it.
I think for some, people just use it to vent. Just my 2 cents.
I love your thought provoking writing, Mindy. It’s funny I should come to this post now, even thought it’s been up for a few days (I’m so behind!). I recently saw a facebook “friend” post on a hot button topic which was followed with 60-some comments! And while neither side was willing to give the other side’s view any ground at all, it was, overall, pretty respectful. I kept going back and reading the added comments, mostly because I was a little in awe of how very, very determined each side was to be right without actually attacking the other. 60-some comments worth got to be a bit much, however. 🙂 Sadly, it seems that was a pretty rare exchange.