Mommy Sabotoge

You know those moments when your kids are playing quietly in the other room, the entire house is at peace, and you are enjoying a little mommy time? Then this niggling little doubt enters your head and you start to wonder. Is everyone okay? Are they destroying something? Why is it so quiet? You decide to go investigate, only to discover that all is well – until they see you and your quiet time is over.

That’s Mommy Sabotage.

Or those times when your toddler is miraculously eating something green and forking casserole into his mouth without complaint? You’re so thrilled, you jump the gun and tell him he’ll get dessert. Suddenly all he can think about is dessert and he pushes the unfinished meal aside.

Mommy sabotage.

Last night, I had a classic Mommy Sabotage moment. Kai, who is now 10 months, told me very vocally that he wanted to nurse and go to sleep. I finished putting the older kids to bed (and they went to sleep without a peep), then snuggled up with baby. He finished eating, then stopped to grin at me, rosy cheeked, a bit of milk sneaking down the corners of his mouth. I swaddled him, put him down in his crib awake, then left the room.

Something odd happened. He didn’t complain for a minute or two like usual. I didn’t have to transfer him to his swing to start out the night. He just slept. I enjoyed the first entirely peaceful bedtime of a long week. My husband’s been away on a business trip and either the kids or the baby (or both) have struggled at bedtime every night.

I enjoyed a bit of tv, then headed to bed, unsure what to make of the luxurious quiet. Then my mind started to conjure up potential problems. I’m a mom of 3, but I still irrationally think “Is he breathing” when they are quiet for longer stretches than normal. I pushed those thoughts away, then I thought of all the things he tries putting in his mouth every day. Did he choke? How is that even possible, since I nursed him right before he went to sleep. This is where I need my husband to say, “He’s fine. Go to sleep.”

I tried to talk myself out of it, but in classic Mommy Sabotage style, I tiptoed to his room, slowly opened the creaking door and peeked in. His face was pressed oddly against the railing, I didn’t hear him breathing, so I touched his hand. Baby rolled over and made a complaining sound. I rushed out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar to avoid any additional creaking.

Certain I’d ruined a perfectly good night’s sleep, I paused to listen again. Blessed silence. An angel of mercy  preserved me just this once and I rushed to bed, relieved, and enjoyed my first uninterrupted sleep in months.

When will I ever learn?