We were driving home from our mini Spring Break trip to Iowa City, Ezra snoozing in the back, and Ella recently awake. Things were quiet until she piped up in the back seat with,”Grown ups get scared sometimes too, right?”
My immediate response: “Yes, of course we do.” Then she asked, “What are you afraid of, Mom and Dad?” Tim, who seems ever ready in these moments, replied, “I’m afraid of losing you.” I agreed, but it felt like I needed to add my own, so I piped in with “I’m afraid of the dark.” Her eyes widened and she nodded in agreement. “I get afraid of the dark too.”
I decided to be honest and told her how I know there’s nothing to be afraid of in the dark, but it still feels spooky when I’m alone. How I like to sleep with a light on if Daddy is away. She leaned in conspiratorially and admitted “I’m afraid of the monsters in the dark. I don’t like to be alone in it.”
Then she asked, “What else are you afraid of?” Inside, I thought “Where do I start?” I looked at my innocent, confident, amazing little girl and instantly wished for her to avoid all the fears creeping through me, threatening my sanity if I let them settle in. I wanted her to remain in that space where her biggest worry is non-existent monsters, rather than real ones in the form of bullies, media messages, terrorists, rapists, kidnappers, and self doubt.
I decided to go with, “Sometimes I’m afraid of not doing as well as I want to” or something to that effect. What I was really thinking – “I’m afraid of failing, like in important moments such as these.” It didn’t have quite the same impact as the dark, but we talked a bit about it and she understood the fear.
Suddenly it came to me, what this conversation was really about. Earlier that morning, I’d mentioned meeting a little 3 year-old girl in the mall who’d just had her ears pierced to Tim. I thought we could be cool parents and offer pierced ears as a vacation memory for our little girl. He readily agreed because he’d have our baby’s ears pierced if I’d agree. I’ve always thought a little girl should choose, though, so this seemed like a perfect moment.
When I proposed the idea to her, however, everything went wrong. She immediately blanched and told us she didn’t want to. She’d have her ears pierced when she was “a mommy.” We tried to talk about it, but she was having none of it. I then told her that it was okay and she could tell us when she was ready. She grew furious and told us to “Stop it!” Clearly, I thought I was being encouraging and all she heard was pressure.
Sitting in the car, looking into her earnest face, I asked her if she was afraid of having her ears pierced and if that was why she felt so upset earlier. She nodded and we talked a bit, softly, calmly, about getting your ears pierced. She heard us, she still wasn’t ready to do it, but she was ready this time to really hear me when I told her she could decide if and when.
I told her she could talk to us any time she felt afraid and we would be there to listen. She nodded, reassured, and I felt such tenderness for my girl. I also saw one of my fears squashed for the day – Sometimes my best is good enough in these important moments.
Here are some vacation photos of the Iowa Children’s Museum, just for fun:
I love long drives for talking, it always seems to be when Nathaniel asks the most questions and is most open to listen (even though I know he’s not even 3 yet) and it’s nice. I used to go for a drive with an ex to fight, not looking at each other and having to focus on driving made it easier to talk. I don’t know why it works but it does!
Pure mommy success. 🙂
Do you find that these calmer, thoughtful conversations happen a lot in the car? I’ve always felt the car to be a place that my son opens up a bit and talks more.
Mindy,
Was searching for a GF’s blog and came across yours. Started reading and came across yours as the inquisitive mom. Loved readinng your post about about wanting to have your ODD’s ears pierced on vacation, but she was scared.
I think you’re a smart mommy for wanting it don now. I had to laugh since I had the similiar experience with my 3 yr old too. Someone has scared her about having her ears pierced. Maybe one of her friends who said it hurt and they cried having it done. However, you just have to tell her how cute she’d look with little earrings like mommy. Buy her some stickers from Claire’s, then magnetic earrings.
When she grows accustomed to seeing how pretty the earrings would look, then tell her when she asks it will pinch her ear and then pinch her ear demonstrating the pinching. Do point out babies and little girls and how cute they look with earrings. Tell her she’d look cute too with them, holding a pair of your studs or pearls near her lobes in front of the mirror. When she is ready, then offer to go first and have your ears pierced with another hole to show her it doesn’t hurt. This brave act will elevate her in overcoming her fears.
When I asked our ped about having our 3 yr old done, she gave me some tips and OTC meds to minimize any discomfort. Our dd barely shed a tear. I’d say if you still thinking about it, then your mommy intuition is telling to take your YDD to have them done. If you’d like our ped’s tips, please
write me an e-mail.
Angietune@hotmail.com
Mindy,
Was searching for a GF’s blog and came across yours. Started reading and came across yours as the inquisitive mom. Loved readinng your post about about wanting to have your ODD’s ears pierced on vacation, but she was scared.
I think you’re a smart mommy for wanting it don now. I had to laugh since I had the similiar experience with my 3 yr old too. Someone has scared her about having her ears pierced. Maybe one of her friends who said it hurt and they cried having it done. However, you just have to tell her how cute she’d look with little earrings like mommy. Buy her some stickers from Claire’s, then magnetic earrings.
When she grows accustomed to seeing how pretty the earrings would look, then tell her when she asks it will pinch her ear and then pinch her ear demonstrating the pinching. Do point out babies and little girls and how cute they look with earrings. Tell her she’d look cute too with them, holding a pair of your studs or pearls near her lobes in front of the mirror. When she is ready, then offer to go first and have your ears pierced with another hole to show her it doesn’t hurt. This brave act will elevate her in overcoming her fears.
When I asked our ped about having our 3 yr old done, she gave me some tips and OTC meds to minimize any discomfort. Our dd barely shed a tear. I’d say if you still thinking about it, then your mommy intuition is telling to take your YDD to have them done. If you’d like our ped’s tips, please
write me an e-mail.
Angietune@hotmail.com
Mindy,
Was searching for a GF’s blog and came across yours. Started reading and came across yours as the inquisitive mom. Loved readinng your post about about wanting to have your ODD’s ears pierced on vacation, but she was scared.
I think you’re a smart mommy for wanting it don now. I had to laugh since I had the similiar experience with my 3 yr old too. Someone has scared her about having her ears pierced. Maybe one of her friends who said it hurt and they cried having it done. However, you just have to tell her how cute she’d look with little earrings like mommy. Buy her some stickers from Claire’s, then magnetic earrings.
When she grows accustomed to seeing how pretty the earrings would look, then tell her when she asks it will pinch her ear and then pinch her ear demonstrating the pinching. Do point out babies and little girls and how cute they look with earrings. Tell her she’d look cute too with them, holding a pair of your studs or pearls near her lobes in front of the mirror. When she is ready, then offer to go first and have your ears pierced with another hole to show her it doesn’t hurt. This brave act will elevate her in overcoming her fears.
When I asked our ped about having our 3 yr old done, she gave me some tips and OTC meds to minimize any discomfort. Our dd barely shed a tear. I’d say if you still thinking about it, then your mommy intuition is telling to take your YDD to have them done. If you’d like our ped’s tips, please
write me an e-mail.
Angietune@hotmail.com