The Mom I Want to Be

Wednesday morning, I woke up to find that a good friend tagged me in a link to an article about Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child on facebook. We both have bright, strong-willed kids, so I appreciated the tag. My kids were giving me an unusual reprieve from the normal early morning “I want breakfast!” wake-up, so I clicked on the link. I quickly came to the sentence “As long as parents resist the impulse to “break their will, strong-willed kids often become leaders” and knew I needed to read the rest. In fact, this article on Aha! Parenting.com was most likely what I’d been praying for. 


You see, I haven’t liked myself as a parent much lately. A little while back, I decided to try a different parenting style. Old strategies didn’t seem to be working and, facing escalating defiance, disrespect, and a loss of control, I decided to try something new. My natural parenting inclination to give choices, ask rather than boss around, and never spank seemed to be failing me. Frustrated, discouraged, I decided to be more firm, stick to what I said no matter what, and emphasize respect. 

The voices of people who criticized me – often indirectly – for being too permissive or who clearly disapproved of my children’s behavior echoed inside my head. I didn’t want to spend my days battling over every detail with my kids, making deals, taxing my every persuasive power, sometimes embarrassed when they dug in their heels. 


I wanted to be respected. I wanted to have some control. I longed for order. I wanted my kids to know I meant what I said, that some rules couldn’t be negotiated, that our home has real consequences. I heard the advice of a person I respect who has raised two wonderful children who obviously adore their parent who believes in two philosophies: “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” and “If your child is disobeying you, it’s because you haven’t broken them yet.” 


I am not Dr. Phil fan, but I also remembered a clip from an episode I watched long ago where he talked about being willing to show your kids that you will do what it takes to win every time. His main example: Your grocery cart is full, your child is misbehaving, and you give them a warning. They continue, so you abandon that cart, take them to the car, and show them that you mean what you say. Win these big battles enough times and they’ll stop pushing. 


Changing my parenting style felt exhilarating at first. There were some great initial results. I really focused on creating a consequence I could stick with, even if it was a bit of a punishment for me. I tried to be firm, but loving, and clear in my expectations. Talking back was not acceptable. Kids who couldn’t clean up toys couldn’t have them. I even came out “victorious” after the infamous battle of wills with my daughter where I finally “won” by showing her that she’d used up all of her chances that day and when I said it was bedtime for her at 4:30, it was bedtime. 


Over time, however, many of these parenting techniques felt like an ill-fitting pair of shoes, causing blisters, aching toes, and general discomfort. I found myself still getting frustrated, still caught up in battles of will, and still discouraged. I wanted to parent with more gentleness and persuasion. I wanted my children to obey and make right choices and help because they loved and respected me, not because they feared consequences or felt forced into it. It seemed like there must be some middle ground for me, where I can parent in a way that feels natural to me, but still help my children learn consequences, be respectful, and understand rules. 


So, when I read some of the following words from Dr. Laura Markham’s article, they really hit home for me, especially because they speak to what I want as a strong-willed individual as well: 


Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to rebel and be oppositional. Not to mention they take responsibility early. 


If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles. 

Strong-willed kids feel their integrity is compromised if they’re forced to submit to a parent’s will. And, really, you don’t WANT to raise an obedient child. Of course you want your child to do what you say. But not because he is obedient, meaning he always does what someone bigger tells him. No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because you are the parent and have his best interests at heart. 


Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship. 


To be honest, I have tears in my eyes just reading these words again. This is the style of parenting that feels natural to me. This is the mom I want to be: patient, respectful, more concerned with building trust than winning battles, willing to let my children really know the difference between a “consequence” vs a “punishment.” I believe that routine, limits, choices, and flexibility are all things that my children need. This all takes work, but I’m not looking for an easy way to parent, but a way that feels right for my family.


Inspired, I sat down and chatted with my kids over breakfast, leaving any distractions behind. When we finished, I invited them to sit with me on the couch afterwards and asked if we could talk. I told them I wanted us to have a happy home where we use soft voices, look out for each other, and help one another. I apologized for yelling too much lately and asked if they would help me remember to use my quite voice. We discussed when it is okay for mommy to yell – someone is in danger or someone is being hurt – and how they could help me by listening when I used my soft voice. 


My sweet kids responded with such love, affection, and forgiveness. They don’t hold a grudge for time outs or for the time you yelled at them because they wouldn’t stop hitting or when you growled at them for making a mess. Just like I long for a home filled with peace, respect, trust, and generosity, they long for the same. The conversation naturally turned to how we could each do our part to use have the home we wanted and they eagerly offered ways they could do better as well, without being prompted. 


Our home is far from perfect, but I have felt such a difference in myself, my home, and my kids since that day. I’m learning every day how to be a parent and I’m certain that I’ll never completely figure it out or “get it right.” This recent experience has taught me, however, that I should trust my own instincts, honor the positive parenting techniques that feel natural tome, and always be open to learning. I should listen less to voices of criticism and instead seek ways to more effectively parent my children in ways that work for our family. 

Where do you go for parenting inspiration? Have you ever tried parenting in a way that felt ill-fitting? 


 * All quotes used by permission from Parenting Your Strong Willed Child, by Dr. Larua Markham.