Just the Way She Is

When I first spied this combination before school, I felt compelled to step in.

The color/pattern combination hurt my eyes for a moment and I found myself suggesting Ella change her skirt. Then I stopped myself, thinking, “What am I doing?”

Ella is old enough to dress herself these days, only really needing direction to wear weather appropriate clothing. We have plenty of leggings, tights, and legwarmers to keep our girly girl in dresses and skirts into the cold weather months, leading to some fascinating and vibrant combinations. Grandma knows just what Ella likes and sends her packages filled with sparkly, pink, bold items with ruffles and glitter galore.  You never know what surprising outfits will emerge out of Miss Ella’s wardrobe.

I’m no wallflower myself, with different hair colors, bold eye shadow, hats,  headbands, and a variety of tights. I like that my girl has a flair for style, her own point of view, and a sense of whimsy.  I’ve had a day or two, however, when I’ve wondered if I should provide a bit of color and pattern coordination advice or let things go.  She’ll change to please me, but it always seems to dampen her spirits and I in turn regret the choice.

Because, truthfully, beyond ensuring that she will be comfortable, warm or cool enough, and prepared for the days activities, why would creative combinations concern me? We always tell our girl that a true friend doesn’t care what you look like, that clothes are a fun way to express ourselves, but not very important.  If I’m somehow stepping in to make sure things aren’t too wacky or mismatched, do I really believe what I’m saying?

A few weeks back, Ella went through a stage where she loved having little buns in her hair and requested I do them a certain way – three to be exact . We’d do one on each side, then take the remaining hair at the bank to create a third. She has a thing about her hair and doesn’t like it curly, even though it can be lovely that way.  I discovered that these little buns made  pretty waves for her pigtails after a few days and suggested we put some in at night post bath. I decided to try doing smaller sections, resulting in this:

She loved the results, saying “I look beautiful!” and nearly wore this to school the next day (now that would be bold!), but we wanted to see the curls. Unfortunately, so many little buns created a crazy mass of tight curls everywhere that I thought was fun and cute, but she was completely devastated.  In fact, she was so upset, she thought she shouldn’t have to go to school.  I, of course, saw things differently and quickly pulled the offending hair back into pigtails (no picture).

These are the curls combed out a different day and her fantastic outfit, complete with mismatched leggings. I think she looks like a real life Fancy Nancy and I adore her style.

After that experience and a few other days where fretting over clothes and hair seemed far too important for a 6 year-old’s morning, I made a decision not to contribute to that anxiety or to give the impression that what we wear is anything but a fun, minor part of our day.  I decided:


My focus will be on encouraging my daughter to be kind, confident, courageous, a good friend, and a good student who does her best.  I will guide her in being ready to learn and play in her clothes, but let her choose the rest.  I will appreciate her style, her self expression, let her know she’s beautiful, but not place extra emphasis on it.

Because here’s the reality: These fun, colorful combinations tell us a bit about her love of flair, her sense of fun, her interest in the details, but they’re just one small reflection of this incredible girl.  I want her to grow up knowing her worth isn’t defined by what she wears, the brands, the combinations, or if they fit anyone else’s taste or idea of fashion.  I want her to grow up joyful and confident, knowing

For more information on some of the inspiration for this post and an amazing website that’s encouraged me to raise a daughter who knows that her reflection does not define her worth, visit Beauty Redefined.