Don’t Text and Friend

Video killed the radio star echoes through my head whenever I think of that text. Technology is a gift of modern life, but sometimes a curse to modern relationships.  What used to require more effort can now be done with a tap of a few keys. What once required more thought and conversation is now represented by an avatar and 160 characters or less.

Made a new acquaintance and want to arrange a play date? Text it.
Need to arrange a carpool for soccer? Text.
Forgot your new friend’s address? Text.
Have a quick question? Send a text.

Need more characters? Want to share a photo? Facebook allows up to 63,206 characters and an email provides even more freedom.

Anything new in an acquaintances life? Just saw her status update.
Did she have her baby yet? Pictures posted on her profile.
PTA volunteers needed? Email.
Congratulations are in order? Post it on his wall.

If you’re not careful, a potential new friendship might never develop for lack of real conversation. It’s hard for a genuine connection to happen when hijacked by a false sense of familiarity. The barrier of electronics robs acquaintances of interpersonal connections that lead to friendship; those chance chats that become in depth conversations; the moment when someone tells their first joke and you hear a true laugh; the opportunity to learn about someone from inflection, nuances in facial expressions, and tone.

It’s much easier to offer false platitudes and skim over someone’s real needs when viewing a text that says, “It’s been kind of a rough week.” Stop by to say “hello” and find a woman in tears, confiding her fears and frustrations, and that’s how real friendships develop.

It’s less stressful, but far more impersonal, to break bad news or approach a touchy subject via email. Sometimes we tell ourselves we’ll avoid the awkwardness and it will be better for everyone, but it almost never is. Without building a real bond first, we’re more likely to choose to avoid discomfort first and to who respect and concern for someone else’s feelings second. So, we send texts devoid of inflection and full of misunderstanding and essentially tell someone they’re not worth a call, usually without considering the implications of a texted line or two.

A few years ago, I met a dynamic woman who disavowed smart phones. She shared a go-phone with her husband for occasional use, but rarely texted and was refreshingly disconnected from a cell phone.  Instead, she depended on face to face interaction and some old school technology – the home phone – to communicate.

I came to look forward to random phone calls from this friend to ask a “quick” question. It inevitably went from a 5 minute chat, to 25, then 40, and often 60. We met up in person in between, chatted at church, invited each other’s families over for dinner, but these phone calls connected us, helped us get to know one another, and brought relief from the mundane. In fact, when she finally did get a smart phone and I started receiving text messages, I knew it was the end of an era. The change felt sad, but our friendship didn’t need those phone calls like it did at first. A good friend knows when to text and when to make a call.

Phone calls helped us get to know each other and a phone call probably kept our fledgling friendship from dying in the beginning too. One morning, a quick call led to a revelation of misunderstanding and hurt feelings, opening the door for a sincere apology and explanation. We vowed to never assume and always ask. The conversation was difficult and scary at first, but it solidified our friendship.

Unfortunately, neglecting real conversation, relying too heavily on texting, and avoiding conflict at all costs did the opposite for another fledgling friendship. I met an acquaintance and friendship seemed the natural step.  We were different in interesting ways, but had some strong commonalities that made a friendship convenient. Unfortunately, we texted too often, had sporadic conversations, and and rarely took time to talk between carpools and dropping off kids.  Despite this, favors were asked and offered too readily and misunderstandings never discussed. Technology lulled us into thinking we were “connecting,” but our connections were tenuous. A thoughtless text that a friend should know needed conversation eventually proved how little we knew each other.

Great friendships begin with stepping out of your comfort zone and making that first awkward phone call. Real friendships need nurturing. They require conversation. They take effort, commitment, and trust. Once established, a simple text or facebook check-in can take you between phone calls and visits. But you won’t get there with texting alone.