I felt a wave of disappointment as I looked in the mirror. Despite creative clothing selections, great accessories, and stand out make-up, all I could focus on was my mid section. Another summer loomed ahead of dreaded bathing suits showing my thighs rubbing together and emphasizing my post babies belly. I wondered how to eek new capris out of my slim budget, hating the idea of squeezing into my existing options.
Then I remembered the success I felt at purchasing those smaller sized capris and jeans and felt the responsibility of a muffin top now making them ill-fitting and unflattering. I reminded myself it shouldn’t be about my weight, but instead about health and feeling good. Deep down, though, I hated knowing I really need to purchase the size up I gleefully gave away a few years back.
More than anything, I hated the idea of returning home this weight. You can’t hide your weight – it hangs on you like a beacon of your failure, an announcement of the stress you’ve experienced over the past year, a sign that you are not entirely the captain of your own ship.
I want to edit recent vacation pictures to show only my face, oddly slimmer in my 30s, despite my weight fluctuating. I would never want my daughter to believe she should hide because of her weight, though, and left them as-is. When I saw family for the first time, I found myself making jokes and excuses about weight, embarrassing both them and me. In reality, I wasn’t judging or focusing on their size and they didn’t care about mine.
The people I love are not a pants size, a number on a scale, or a BMI. I don’t look forward to seeing them, but secretly think, “If he/she were just fatter/slimmer, I would love them more.” I know the idea is ludicrous, so why am I cringing at my belly fat in the mirror, my feelings about it worsened by how others will see me?
Until I sat down to write this post, I thought I’d come farther than this. I don’t want to spend the summer letting my weight weigh me down. More than that, I don’t want my daughter to grow up staring in the mirror, agonizing over weight and she will look to me as an example. I have to start somewhere and today I’ll start with the mantra, I am not defined by my weight.
I’m currently at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my entire life. This is made worse for me by the fact that I never *had* a weight problem (except for being borderline underweight) until I took depo provera, so I know what it’s like to be exceedingly thin.
I needed to read this. Thank you.
Having a mantra is such a great thing to use for focus. I know I have the bad tendency of letting my mind spin into the negative and have to consciously remind myself to cut off the negative train of thought.
One day at a time. I remind myself that we don’t see ourselves as others do. I see all the little things wrong with me, but my kids just see me as being beautiful.
Getting those naysayers we’ve heard in media for our entire lives out of our heads is difficult. I go in cycles. I felt really good before I lost the last baby, although I didn’t recognize the ‘thinner’ me in the mirror and was uncomfortable with her. As the weight slowly crept back on, at least I recognized that person again, but missed the thinner me that I saw. Odd.