As an adult, I can think of a myriad of times a day when I am caught up in something and I’m Just a minute or Let me finish this. I could be in the middle of making dinner, finishing up a blog post, reading a magazine article, or finishing a phone call. No disrespect is involved. I am simply caught up in the moment and engaged in a task.
comfortable saying,
Sometimes I walk into the toy room and my children have escaped into an elaborate game. They’ve lined up blocks to make cities, their dolls are attending school, or they’ve created the world’s fastest race track. I arrive unannounced to proclaim, It’s time to go!, Ten more minutes, or Dinner time. They don’t hear me at first, caught up in their own world, they groan, or they beg, Not yet, Just 5 more minutes? No, Mommy!
If I’m impatient or they’ve already had a warning or there simply aren’t 5 more minutes to spare, I’ll tell them no. The responses to this are varied from obeying immediately, to whining, to questions like Why? or Do I have to? to Why are you so mean? Conventional wisdom says there should be no questions, that I should command and they should obey.
My responses can run the spectrum, from talking gently, to lecturing, to cajoling, to yelling, to bribing, to threatening, to talking it through. I’ve been through them all. It’s also likely that I have some of the strongest willed children living and they find ways to challenge all of these responses. And some of their choices in actions and words right now are very challenging and need to change. But I’m convinced there has to be a loving way that helps us all feel respected.
I recently wondered how much of my or any parenting strategies come from my convenience, my
schedule, my wants. What if I was better prepared and better aware? If I were in the middle of an exciting chapter or just about to rescue a puppy, wouldn’t I want some warning? Is asking for more time or resisting a change really coming from a place of disrespect or frustration? How do I build a balance between understanding schedules and boundaries, and remembering/respecting that my children are people with their own conveniences, schedules, and wants too?
I have no perfect answer. I look to friends with families I admire. I’m excited about a new book recommendation due to arrive soon called Positive Discipline. I know I want to do a better job of creating a space for my children and myself where I can build, rather than demand, respect. A place where the schedule and direction are clear. A place where putting on your shoes or coming to dinner feels like a natural transition in activity, rather than a frustrating disruption or a battle for control.
I’ll be returning home soon (we’re away for an internship) and I have many plans for our space, our schedule, and our expectations. For now, though, I want to start by demonstrating, not just expecting, respect for space and time. I want to follow my instincts and parent in a way that feels right for me and my family. I’ll begin simply. I think it will go something like this:
Hi guys. Remember how we talked about playing for 30 minutes, then putting our shoes on and going to the store? Well, it will be time for shoes in 10 minutes. Let’s think about a good place to pause in your book or take a break in your game so you’re prepared. I will be back in 5 minutes to help you.
Do you ever feel like your instincts as a parent are in conflict with conventional wisdom? What are some of your favorite positive discipline techniques? How do you schedule your day with your children?
I try and give my kids warnings, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Like, one more show, one more book, finish your tower, I need to vacuum in about 5 minutes, so let’s pick up the toys. It DOES HELP to some extent.
sometimes you just don’t have the time, though…
“I want to start by demonstrating, not just expecting, respect for space and time”
what a wonderful reminder!! We do this for others, why wouldn’t we for our own children? I do think we just become comfortable. Great reminder even for spouses.
“I want to start by demonstrating, not just expecting, respect for space and time”
What a great reminder! We easily become too comfortable in our most meaningful relationships that respect is forgotten. Great reminder for a martial relationship as well.
this is something I’m trying hard to figure out with my very stubborn 2yr old, trying to get her to do things and care for my 2mon old is still a work in progress.
I love this thought. My daughter isn’t quite old enough yet for this type of understanding (only a year), but I look forward to the day when I can learn from her as much as she can learn from me. Thanks for a great post!
Great blog post. I love challenging posts like this. One of my friends told me the most valuable advice she got when her first was a newborn was “she just a little person.” We tend to forget even babies are their own people. I love the challenge to treat our kids with more respect. Definitely something I want to focus on!
I am guilty of this. And didn’t even realize it. I need to learn to be more patient and realize to practice what I preach.
This is a great reminder! I need to work on talking to my son more respectfully! I think it will model for him how to talk respectfully too! I would like to read that book when it comes out!
-Hannah
Such a good reminder, thank you. I often get caught up in the stress of the moment of getting everybody ready and out the door on time that I forget that what my kids are doing is important too.
I have actually been thinking a lot about this topic. When mommy is “busy” and my daughter wants/ needs something I expect that she can wait a minute or two until I finish up what I’m doing. But, then when I need or want my daughter to do something I desire it to be instant… How is this fair? It’s not… I have recently been trying to respond better to my daughter as I feel children learn best from behaviors that are modeled to them. So if my daughter asks me a question I have been really trying to answer her immediately. Its a tough balance because I think its important for children to learn patience, but at the same time how can I expect my child to respond to me when I ask something of them if I don’t respond to her?
I often times have to stop and think about this fact. My son may lack the skills to cope with various stressful (to his eyes) situations, but he’s a little person too and just learning how to work around his emotions.
Thanks for the great post!! It’s so important to remember! I’m glad it’s not just us lol
This has been on my heart lately. I also have no answers and I feel like a fail everyday, but at least I’m more aware now that I need a change. I’ll hope you’ll write a about the book you ordered.
I’ve been reading the book Positive Discipline too. It has really helped me to see my children’s behavior as being developmentally appropriate instead of deliberately disobedient (at 1 year old) and I’ve been able to shape my responses accordingly. Happy reading!
When I can, I look for natural breaks in my son’s routine to do the things I need to. He comes out of his room from playing with blocks looking for something else to do? Let’s put shoes on and go to the store. But I only have one strong willed toddler to worry about at the moment. And I can only do that on days without a strict schedule.
Love this!! Such a great reminder!
My kids are still very little, but I find that giving lots of reminders is SO helpful. Encouragment through positive remarks help so much too!
I have to remind myself often that my 2.5 year old is just a little person. It must be so difficult for her to hear come here, do this, do that, all day long. I work hard to make things fun for her and to explain to her as best I can what our next step will be.