This is a guest post for National Adoption Month from a wonderful mama that I know. She wanted to share her story with her friends on Facebook and answer some of the common questions she receives about adoption. She wrote this post for her friends and I thought her responses were so heartfelt and informative, I asked to share them here. Please only comment with respect and kindness. This is her story in her words:
National Adoption Month Celebration from the mom of three amazing children. Two who came to our family through domestic infant adoption and one through embryo adoption.
Dedicated to our two amazing, selfless birth mothers.
I am a little nervous about this post because I know that every situation is so unique, and there are
exceptions to everything, so I don’t want anyone to take offense. Here is what I have learned from my perspective through our adoptions, so here it goes…
Here are some of the questions that I have been asked over the last four years. Now if you have ever found yourself thinking one of these things, don’t feel bad. There are some very common misconceptions about adoption and birth mothers, so I want to try to do my best to inform and educate those who are willing to listen.
Most of these comments are very innocent and well meaning, and often just come out of curiosity. I am not necessarily bugged when I hear these things, but I am a little disappointed that there is still so little understanding about adoption.
So here are some of my answers. (secret answers that is. I am very polite face to face, I swear!)
Q- “Do you want to have your own kids?”
A- They ARE my OWN kids. Do I wish that they were my biological children? No! I love my children for exactly who they are and I have no desire for something else. Do I feel something missing or a gap by not having bio kids? Not at all!
Q- “Where is his real mom?”
A- Standing right in front of you! I am my children’s mother, and they are also blessed to have a birth mother that also loves them with all of her heart and soul.
Q- “Why wouldn’t his mom want such a cute baby?”
A- Unfortunately very often when some one things of a birth mother, they think of someone high on drugs, leaving their baby in a dumpster, but this is the exception, not the rule.
Most often a birth mother is sacrificing their own deepest hopes and desires in order to put their child first and to give them the life that they feel that they deserve.
So did their birth mom think they weren’t cute enough to keep? For sure not.
Just a thought…
You would jump in front of a moving vehicle for your child. You would run through a burning house to save them. You would gladly take their place in a hospital bed to save them from their suffering; but if you knew that love was ALL you had to offer them, and knew they deserved more…would you be able to give up the first laugh, the first step, the first time they said..”I wuv you mommy”…The first day at school and the last day too, and everything in-between and after? I heard a birth mother say once that if she had loved her child ANY LESS, she never would have been able to place him for adoption. If you have ever felt judgement towards a birth mother…would you have been strong enough to do the same?
Q- “Now that you are pregnant, are you going to send back the other two?”
A- Was I really asked this question? I sure was! This came from someone not understanding the difference in between adoption and foster care. She had done foster care for teenagers, and even though she saw us bring home our babies, and we talked many times about adoption, she never really must of fully understood the difference. So, upon seeing that I was pregnant, must have thought that now that I had what I “really wanted” I might want to send the other too back into the system….Okay, maybe this one bugs me just a little.
Q- (upon seeing me pregnant) “Oh, so did you adopt the first two and then your maternal instincts kicked in and you decided to have your own?”
A- I would personally say that my maternal instincts have been around since I was a teenager, but adopting my children has fulfilled every motherly instinct bone in my body. Does anyone have any idea how difficult the adoption process is? Why would I go through all of that and care for and raise a baby if I had no maternal instinct?! Honestly!…Okay, this one frustrates me too.
Q – “Good for you for adopting! At least somebody will love them!”
A – Remember that most birth mothers DO love their babies very, very much! They don’t just place their child and move on, but they hold their child in their hearts forever. I believe that this common statement comes from the also common misconception that birth mothers are selfish and only thinking of themselves, tossing their baby into a dumpster or abandoning them somewhere. This really does not happen that much and is certainly not the case in most adoptions.
Q- “Your kids are so lucky that you adopted them!”
A- This also common statement, although well meaning gives the feeling that we are the gift, but in fact the children are the gift. Whether a child who is adopted is saved from living in an orphanage, or placed into parents arms from a birth parent, I can guarantee you that the adoptive parents always feel like THEY are the lucky ones!
Q- (upon seeing me pregnant) “That always happens!”
A– Okay, we heard this one ALOT! And I get it, everyone was just excited for us, and everyone thinks they know someone who adopted and got pregnant just after they adopted a bunch of kids But I have news for you. this doesn’t always happen! And as people can see now that I have had Maya (conceived through embryo adoption) it didn’t!
We were members of a support group for adoptive parents, and of all of the many families in the group…It in fact didn’t happen to any one of them that I knew.
People do not always know about all that goes on behind the scenes. I did my fertility with Maya when Daniel was only 9 months old, and I know people that were doing fertility simultaneously with adoption, or even just after. So just because someone has a baby shortly after they adopted doesn’t mean that they didn’t go through tons of emotional, physical and financial stress.
Also, just a side note: If a person does fertility shortly after adoption, don’t assume that it is because they are not fulfilled by their adoption or they just have to have a biological child. Infertility is very stressful, adoption is very stressful, fertility is very stressful! If someone is adding to their family one after another, it is probably because there are so many unknowns with fertility and adoption that the parent may feel a little more in control by taking action, as well as more of an urgency to get started on the process than a fertile couple.
The reason that this comment feels a little insulting, is because, even though I know they are just happy for us, it also feels a little like they feel that NOW we are getting what we always wanted, when in fact what we always wanted we had the second each adopted child was born.
Q- “Adoption is for some people, but I could never do that. It is just not the same”
A- Unless you have adopted I don’t think that it is possible to understand the incredible love
that you can have for a child whether they are of your genes or someone else’s. I cannot imagine that it could be possible for me to love a child more than I love these three kids I that I adore!
My desire for a child consumed my life for 3 years. I was poked and prodded, I spent hours upon hours upon hours filing out paperwork to prove I was adequate to be a parent, making profiles was so hard, the seemingly never ending waiting of adoption and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Then finally one day our birth mothers placed our child in our arms giving us the biggest gift we could ever have received, and my heart was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I could never put it into words, so does it sound like it’s the same? No! But in a way I feel like it’s better.
Q- Are you sure you are doing what is best for your children in having an open adoption? No, really! ARE YOU SURE!?”
A- As parents don’t we all want to do what is best for our children? Do you think that I haven’t already run things through my head a million times? I have absolutely no doubts in my mind that I am doing what is best for them by having an open adoption. I hope that all my children will be able to see what a wonderful love their biological parents have for them. Is there anything wrong with having a whole extra bunch of people to love? I sure don’t think so!
Q- Are you going to raise them all as siblings?
A- Ummmmmm. Ya.
Q – Can you love an adopted child the same as a biological child?
A- Okay, I have to admit something I am a little embarrassed about. Years before I was married I was visiting a friend who had adopted her baby. I watched my friend as she lovingly stroked her baby’s hair as she slept in her stroller, and gazed at her with as much love as you could ever imagine any parent would have. I found myself wondering though, what does it feel like? Does it feel the same? Can you love an adopted child them same. Well now after having experience adoption myself, my heart is so completely overwhelmed with love for my children, I cannot imagine life any other way. I would not WANT life to be any other way.
I thank the Lord for the struggles in my past that past that brought me to this wonderful and perfect present!
I hope that this post will hope people to see birth mothers and adopted children in a new light.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story!
That’s such an interesting experience (and honest) you posted at the end. I, too, have wondered what a mother’s feelings are towards adopted children. I guess you answered that question!
Your children are absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I have dreams of adopting a baby girl from India one day. It seems so far fetched and impossible. I’m blessed with two little boys, but I’ve always felt like my daughter is out there somewhere waiting for me to find her. 🙂 Thank you for sharing!!
What an amazing story. Adoption is something my husband and I are looking into as well. So inspiring.
Thanks for sharing your story and for being so candid. Your children are very lucky.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I cannot believe some of the comments you have received, however. It’s a little shocking, what some people will say. My husband and I hope to adopt in the near future; so this post hit close to home. Again, thank you for sharing! 🙂
Well said. As well meaning as some people may be, some of the comments you’ve received are simply rude and demeaning to the birth mothers.
Beautiful story! There needs to be an easier/seamless way to be able to adopt children from overseas. While a middle man is great, they do end up complicating things a bit, as does the local laws in the various countries. Hopefully stories like this will spread awareness of the programs that make it so much easier through USCIS.