“Mom. There’s a Girl’s Club at school and everyone is joining and I don’t want to.”
I knew something was bothering my girl, so we sat down to talk about it last night. Tears streamed down, as she expressed hurt, frustration, and loneliness at her current recess situation.
Playground heartaches begin early on. They can be as simple as being pushed down and feeling left out to and as complex as being physically 
bullied. When they happen, I always wish I could rush to her school and “fix” whatever is hurting. But I can’t. I can listen, commiserate, brainstorm, hug, comfort, and listen again.I can help her feel safe and loved, prepare her the best I can to face the next day; but I can’t fix things for her.
No matter the cause, school problems are always tricky because you are only getting one account of the story. What is intentional, accidental, overblown, misunderstood? What details are missing? How can I help my child feel empowered, while also instilling compassion for those involved?
Last night, I knew just listening at first would be the most important. Sometimes, we just need to let out our hurt, anger, frustration, and loneliness. The details are not as important as the confiding and trusting someone else with your worries.
“Every 3rd grade girl has joined the club, but I don’t want to. They boss everyone around and it isn’t fun. If I don’t join, I have to play all alone with a tree by myself. No matter what I choose, I am sad.”
I listened to my daughter explain her situation and I was struck with admiration for her. I don’t know all of the details of the club or exactly what’s happening, but I knew how she perceived things. She is stuck in a crummy situation and I told her so. She has also acted with a great deal of integrity, self-respect, and independence. Faced with two hurtful choices, she chose to remain true to herself, to stand on her own.
While I wish the opportunity to talk about integrity came with less pain, our conversation led to one of the most beautiful moments I’ve experienced as a parent. I looked at my Ella and told her of integrity, kindness, being true to yourself, and honesty – all traits I see within her. This wasn’t your usual, “You’re so smart, good job, or you look pretty” and she knew it.
As our conversation progressed, Ella sat up straighter and dried her eyes. We talked about why other girls might make different choices and how this didn’t make them bad. We discussed how sometimes two choices hurt; like joining a club and feeling miserable because of the way you are treated or playing on your own and feeling left out and lonely. And, how it is so hard right now; how acting with integrity might not change things immediately. I told her how I thought of her daily and how she could imagine me under that tree, holding her hand, standing beside her.
I don’t know yet what happened on the playground today. I hope she looked around her, like we discussed, for other kids opting out of the club. I hope she acted with kindness and grace, letting her friends know she would love to play, but not join the club. I, of course, hope her desire to stand apart will draw others to her who want the same things, but might be ready to stand alone.
No matter what happened, I hope she knows she is not alone, that this will not last forever, and that she is loved. I hope she will recognize her own strengths and have the courage to try again tomorrow. Most of all, no matter what happens, I hope she knows that I am here to listen and to love.
My firstborn just started Kindergarten. She said she started a girls club at school. Any girl can join. I asked last night what would happen if 2 girls were fighting, if she would choose one over the other or help them make up. She said she would help them make up. I’m terrified she’s a mean girl in the making. I was the alone one. I was the shy one. I was the one left out. It scares me that she might end up as ‘my enemy’.. the ones the parents tut about. That leaves other little girls in tears.. so poignant and timely.