Saturday morning jumped out of bed and put on my best suit
Got in my car and raced like a jet, all the way to you
Knocked on your door with heart in my hand
To ask you a question
‘Cause I know that you’re an old fashioned man yeah yeah
Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? (Say yes, say yes)
‘Cause I need to know
You say I’ll never get your blessing till the day I die
Tough luck my friend but the answer is no!
– From “Rude,” by Magic!
Every time I hear this catchy tune, I find myself singing along. “Why you have to be so rude? I’m gonna marry her anyway!” And then (Yes. I know I’m over thinking things), I find myself asking why he needs permission from dad to marry her anyway. Isn’t this 2014? For perspective, let’s switch gender roles in this song for a moment.
Saturday morning jumped out of bed and put on my best dress
Got in my car and raced like a jet, all the way to you
Knocked on your door with heart in my hand
To ask you a question
‘Cause I know that you’re an old fashioned woman yeah yeah
Can I have your son for the rest of my life? (Say yes, say yes)
‘Cause I need to know
You say I’ll never get your blessing till the day I die
Tough luck my friend but the answer is no!
Seems silly, right?
The thing is, asking permission to marry anyone is ridiculous. Women are not property. I don’t own my daughter. We’re not saving up a dowry for when we “give her away” or her husband “takes her off of our hands.” When she is a grown woman, we’ll simply hope that we prepared her to make wise choices. I expect a man to ask her permission and hers alone. Then, they can come share their news and her dad and I will celebrate.
I know some people love tradition, but I’m all for making our own traditions. When it comes time for any of my four children to marry, I don’t expect to divide expenses by “bride” and “groom.” I won’t be planning on saving a larger nest egg for my daughter simply because she’s female. My hope is to set aside the same amount for every child and provide it as a wedding gift to help start their life out as they choose – to be used on a wedding, honeymoon, down payment on a house, or a little of each.
In the meantime, I’ve written an additional verse to “Rude,” where the potential bride comes in to say her piece.
I hate to do this, you leave no choice
Talked to Dad without me
Like I have no voice.
You should have asked me first
No need to run away,
I’m no one’s property.
You know I’m in love with you,
No one needs to give me away.
hm. This is definately an interesting take on it. I guess I’m much more tradtional.
Currently I have two boys and don’t know what the one on the way is yet but I would hope my entire family’s dynamic is much different than both the song and the “this is 2014.”
My now husband asked my parents for their blessing before asking me to marry him and I am glad he did.
Long before my hubby asked my parents I already knew they approved of him. There was an open dialog in our household. But by him asking my parents for their “permission” we knew they were in full support of us getting married. Even at such a “young” age. (I was 18 when he proposed and 19 when we got married. He was 21 when we got married.)
Did we need their permission? No. But I’m glad we had their complete support and we knew that partly because he asked them.
I have seen within my extended family, people get married without the support and even in the “I’m going to marry him/her anyways” attitude and not a one of those marriages has lasted. They have all ended in divorce in less than 10 years. One didn’t even make it a full year.
So I guess what I’m saying is I think it’s not so much asking anymore for permission in the way it once was but more of a “I love your daugher. I would like her to be my wife but I would first like to know that you’re going to support us in our marriage.
I hope this all makes sense and that you know I’m not bashing/hating/arguing with you.
Come on you know I like you. 🙂
Just my personal thoughts/experience on the matter.
Of course it’s okay to disagree and I won’t consider it bashing! I love dialogue with blogging. 🙂 I think the idea of a couple approaching their parents and saying, “We want to get married. We would love your support and blessing” is beautiful. I hope to have healthy, close relationships with my kids. I just think so much of the way we approach marriage is so outdated and I’d like to see that change.