In Arcachon, France, little girls wore bottoms to the beach. We rarely spied a girl under 6 with a full piece or a bikini top. Some families even came to the beach on a whim and their little ones – girls and boys – would strip down to their underwear and splash in the waves. Nothing could have felt more natural. In this setting, bodies were for playing, running, splashing, jumping waves, and digging your feet in the sand.
Contrast this with the local American beach. Here, swimsuits for females hold so much meaning. Little girls wear miniature versions of adult’s sexy suits. Rash guards, meant to protect from delicate skin from the sun, become yet another way to talk about modesty early. These are extremes, of course, but each bathing suit choice feels weighted by fashion, modesty concerns, and the effect of and on the male gaze. And it feels far from natural.
Swimsuits are on my mind right now as I hear stories of religious camps for girls requiring t-shirts for girls at the beach and pool. This is often combined with guidelines for the length of shorts (often to the knee) and strict rules for full piece swimwear. Some argue that this is for sun and/or bug protection, but the conversation isn’t framed in this way. Meanwhile, boys toss their shirts to the side and jump in, barely aware of the pattern or length of their shorts. All I can think is this: Swimsuits are for swimming. Let girls be girls.
It feels reminiscent of the stories my mother’s generation tells of having to kneel at school to have the length of her skirt measured. And I want no part of it for my daughter.
Body policing often begins early in an effort to “train” our girls and prepare them to dress modestly in the future. In hyper-focusing on modesty at such a young age, though, we skew the way our daughters view their bodies and the way our sons view women’s bodies. An early focus on covering up the body often frames it as an object to be acted upon. The body is to be protected from someone else’s view and hidden away. A girl begins to think of how her body affects others first, how it will be perceived, and what it says about her. When the awkwardness of puberty comes, these modesty messages lead to shame about one’s body. This is especially true as her changing body is on display for the world to see, whether she wants the attention or not.
I’ve addressed Untangling Modesty Messages in the past, with the view that children should view their bodies as a vehicle to move, to learn, to play, to enjoy life. Clothes should support this purpose, with the focus on being comfortable, active, and free to enjoy the day’s activities. Young girls (and boys) who see their body (and other’s) this way first will have the confidence to choose styles that suit their tastes, activities, and hobbies first. When they are bombarded with the battle of sexualized images and modesty rhetoric, their bodies will not be objects to fight over, but powerful, independent vehicles for enjoying the world.
An entire culture’s views of modesty and sexualization of women are not going to change in a day. I recognize this. We can, however, identify where our dress code policies are coming from and refine our message. We can also rethink how we introduce young boys and girls to dress codes. Just as girl’s views of their bodies are bound to change when we re-frame the conversation, so are boy’s. A boy who learns young that women’s bodies are not objects, toys, or evil temptations will be more comfortable with a woman breastfeeding, a teenage girl in her volleyball uniform, and a confident women wearing a dress of any length she pleases. He will not believe he has ownership or control over her choices and her body. His normal feelings of attraction to the female form will be tempered by a more fully formed notion of the purpose of our bodies.
I recognize that boys and girls have different bodies, but I think it’s important to also place dress code requirements side by side. If a list for females is twice as long as the boys, perhaps we should reconsider what message we are truly sending. If I were to create a dress code, it would have a single column. All policies would apply to everyone. No tank tops for girls means no tank tops for boys. T-shirts at all times for girls means t-shirts at all times for boys. Short lengths are the same for everyone. Pants only on a basketball court for girls (yes, this is a thing) means pants only for boys. If a girl’s swimsuit must be covered up with a t-shirt, so should a boy’s. More importantly, the code would not list 10 items females can not wear and 2 items forbidden for boys. Let’s avoid extremes either direction and even include kids in creating dress codes.
Women on that same beach in Arcachon did wear swim tops (most of the time). Men also often wore speedos. No one had a model perfect body. Conspicuously absent from this beach, however, was the pulling, adjusting, tugging, staring, and judging I often see at American beaches. Teenagers and adults, comfortable in their skin, simply enjoyed the beach. In this setting, bodies were for playing, running, splashing, jumping waves, and digging your feet in the sand. And nothing could have felt more natural.
Postscript: After an engaging conversation on my Facebook post, I wanted to share that I am not opposed to modest choices or dressing guidelines. It’s the motivation and language that I believe can be problematic. I believe that choosing clothing based on internal feelings will actually lead to more modest choices. It’s challenging to play sports and run and be active in a barely there swimsuit. Call me niave, but I think girls and boys who view their bodies in a healthy way won’t lean toward immodest or modest extremes. I am not dismissing the reality we currently live in. I’m just wondering if it has to be reality in the future.
This is hopefully the beginning of a series on Let Girls Be Girls. You can share this message on twitter with the hashtag #letgirlsbegirls if you’d like. Here are a few messages some friends suggested:
Swimsuits for swimming, not ogling #letgirlsbegirls
Help! I’m drowning in Patriarchy. #letgirlsbegirls
Hunter says
I would love my community to reflect the French beach mentioned in this piece: a focus on having fun at the beach rather than what bodies look like on the beach.
I also love the idea of equal dress codes for men and women. We need to reframe the issue to focus on the marvelous things our bodies can do rather than treat them as objects for (or stumbling blocks to) the pleasure of others.
Melanie S says
I have read your post twice now and I am still not sure how I feel. While I don’t think girls should be told to wear t-shirts over their swimsuits, I also feel that I want my daughter (and myself) to be modestly dressed at the pool or beach. Not because I am worried about what a boy or man might be tempted to think, do or feel but because I believe my body is a temple and I want to honor it.
Honoring my body does not mean I am shaming it, it means that I recognize the purpose of nudity and am choosing to teach my daughter where and when certain attire is appropriate.
With that being said, I have to add a little side note:
When my Dad was little, his parents owned a bathing suit shop on Ft. Lauderdale Beach. My grandmother sold the first illegal bikini’s from a hidden closet in her store. Ladies would come from all over to buy bikinis they could wear in their private clubs or pools. If she was still here with us, I am sure she could regale you with stories of this “dangerous” job. I have a few random pictures, if I can dig them up, I will share.
The Inquisitive Mom says
Melanie – I think this post is a lesson for me in being clearer about my views. I don’t have an issue with dressing modesty or teaching modesty. It’s the “how” that concerns me. I can believe that my body is a temple and that certain areas of my body are private without this being to protect them from other people’s eyes. Little girls shouldn’t need to worry about the sexual aspects of their bodies, in my opinion, except to know that their private areas are private and that they are completely in charge of who touches them and when. I don’t like the idea of girls being overly sexualized by current fashion or modesty rhetoric. Learning that your body is a temple and wanting to honor it as an amazing vehicle to enjoy life is a beautiful thing!
Katie Forth says
Had a long post for this comment but couldn’t word it right. However, we have a dd and this post is so unbelievably important! I want her to grow up understanding and respecting her body (and other’s bodies as well) without shaming herself (either as a “slut” or a “prude” and everything in between). Our bodies are amazing things that we shouldn’t be afraid of, ashamed of, or looked at as owned by anyone but ourselves. I want her to be confident in how she looks and feels and know that she has the only say in what is to happen to her body in all ways.