What Marriage is Really Like

When Tim and I were dating, he would discreetly leave the room to pass gas. We talked about this one evening and I laughed at his plan to never fart in front of his wife. This seemed entirely unrealistic, even prudish. My roommate and I teased him about it a bit and he eventually relaxed enough to let ’em rip. I’ve regretted teasing him ever since.

Married life is filled with everyday realities like your spouse waking every morning with a series of toots. The person you once prepped in front of the mirror to see now knows you with zits, morning breath, and previously hidden habits. Much of marriage is consumed by consistency, with highs and lows coming in to disturb your routine.

Sitcoms hint at the sometimes dull routine of marriage, but they do so in immaculate homes with perfectly coiffed hair and clever one-liners. While their wardrobes and homes might not be relate-able, sitcoms generally do get one thing right: comfortable routines arem,mn  frequently disrupted with unexpected laughter, bittersweet moments, parenting solidarity, frustrating disagreements, and general chaos. This is what marriage is really like.

A moment in marriage taken in isolation doesn’t always reflect this reality. Some days, weeks, months, even years, are marked by more pain, passion, loneliness, or unity than others. Sometimes you long for anything but the sameness. Then excitement comes and you feel nostalgia for the usual.

I’m experiencing one of those marriage highs right now, but for unexpected reasons. You see, the past three years have been jammed packed with challenges for our marriage. We took on most of them willingly – 3 years of law school, a down grade in our income, extensive traveling, and a newborn. These experiences tested what I considered to be a very strong marriage with loneliness, selfishness, discouragement, tests of faith, and disconnection. We made it through better for it, I hope. Six months ago, though, I was desperately reaching out to the future me for some encouragement because I kept berating the past me for choosing so many simultaneous challenges.

Today, I’m sitting in a rental home in a small Iowa town, where we are beginning a new post-graduate life. Tim works two minutes from our home and often returns at lunch time to eat with me and the little boys. He comes home fairly consistently at the same time each night and we enjoy dinner as a family. He’s here for homework and bedtime routines. After our kids go to bed at night, we often watch a tv series or movie together. It’s very routine, but gloriously so.

My favorite part about my marriage right now is the conversations. The corny phrase “I married my best friend” applies in our marriage, but the last few years have tested that friendship. Law school and child rearing became all consuming. I tried not to resent studying. He endured my bouts of depression. Real time together was disturbed by homework, babies, and exhaustion. I haven’t really made friends in this new town yet, but I’m reveling in reigniting this friendship.

I know this routine won’t last forever and it’s likely I wouldn’t want it to. But it’s reminding me that the best part of marriage is the complexity.

You can be you in marriage and discover yourself. You love each other as you both change and grow. You love each other when you don’t. Marriage brings out the absolute best in you and sometimes the worst. It can take determined work and be gloriously effortless. 

Marriage is having a partner for the long term. It’s about routine and unexpected changes. It’s intimate and isolating; frustrating and rewarding; dynamic and dull.

And I wouldn’t trade waking up to my best friend farting for anything.