Motherhood is lonely. What a bizarre thing to say. How is it possible that adding more people to your life, having more people to love, can cause you to feel isolated? How is it possible that the more kids and responsibilities you add to your life, the lonelier you sometimes feel?
“But being a stay-at-home mom was the loneliest kind of lonely, in which she was always and never by herself.” ― Barbara Kingsolver, Flight Behavior
I’m fairly certain that no mom – working or SAHM or WAHM or otherwise – has a monopoly on this loneliness. I remember reading this Kingsolver quote, though, and feeling the breath woosh out of me. Perhaps the reason society spends so much time placing motherhood and homemaking on a pedestal is because of this stark reality.
I felt the weight of it yesterday standing at my kitchen sink. Tears fell unexpectedly as I scrubbed and rinsed, helping me cleanse away some of my frustrations, doubts, and worries. I ached with the age-old push and pull of dreams I have for myself and the needs of my family.
Mothers are often called the center of their family’s world; the keepers of hearth and home. This is a lovely thought, but sometimes I feel like I am getting lost in the center, spinning this way and that to meet everyone’s needs but my own.
How is it possible that motherhood can be lonely? With little ones, life floats by at a steady sameness. I remember nine years ago with my first baby. I would cuddle my girl, clean up, watch ER re-runs, and feel the weight of loneliness. Going out meant diaper bags, bundling up, car seats, strollers, carriers, and working around nap schedules. Getting together with other moms meant all of those things, plus coordinating schedules.
Now I have older kids, filled with questions and conversation, followed by determined silences. Our calendar, which I’m terrible at keeping, is filled with homework, sports, and activities. I’m often at home or in the car, staying in or heading out for someone else. I try to arrange play dates, but it is strangely more difficult with older children.
Kids are fiercely loyal and boldly loving. They are angry, accusing, and thoughtless in equal measure. My kids cause a daily whirlwind of emotions, unexpectedly delightful and terrible in turn. And I adore them. I enjoy them. I’m grateful for them. But sometimes I sit in the midst of them and feel unexpectedly lonely, almost as if I’m not really here as an independent person at all. And I suspect I’m not the only one.
I’ve saved the draft of this post a handful of times, never hitting “publish” because it doesn’t have a hopeful conclusion, wrapped up in tidy words of encouragement. I don’t blog to simply complain or lay out my problems. As I type and delete and type some more on this post, I keep asking myself how it ends.
More than anything, I want to normalize the complexities of motherhood. I want to admit that I feel lonely, uncertain, and lost. But the loneliness is just one part of my rich experience as a mother. Sometimes I just need to talk through the self-doubt, the fears, and the loneliness with my partner. Other days, I need to carve out time for myself. I call a friend. I write a blog post. I make plans for my future that are just for me. I take a deep breath and I try again tomorrow.
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Motherhood is so complex. I have never been happier now that I have kiddos, but there are all sorts of negative emotions that come with motherhood as well: Worry, anxiety, fear, overwhelm. For some, even loneliness. Complex,so complex.
Find a moms group. MOPS is awesome if you still have any kids under Kindergarten. You have to put socialization on the priority list. There is always a good reason NOT to get out and see other moms, so you just have consider it a must do, like dishes and laundry.
Great advice! I think this kind of loneliness happens to lots of moms who socialize regularly. It comes from a different place.
I love this post.. its so true..motherhood.. being a stay at home mum especially is lonely.. altho your so busy you wonder how you get time to feel that way sometimes lol ..i think doing something different a few times a week.. diy or getting out even if it is hard work helps.. i have a 10,2 n 1 year old n even tho going shopping is a mission in itself at time the satisfaction is great afterwards ..challenging my self each day with things that i dont wanna do but give me that feeling of satisfaction after.. which keeps those feelings at bay for a while
I love this. I never wanted kids. And i especially never wanted or imagines being a stay at home mom. But here I have with a 3 and almost 10mo old. I live in the middle of no where, with the closest town being super small. My husband works 6 days a week. And many times I find myself completely lonely. It’s no one’s fault, and I could get out more, but there is always so much to do .
Reading that quote really hit home for me because of the truth and rawness behind it. People think it’s so easy being a SAHM, but it’s the hardest and most rewarding job I have ever had.
Being at home all day with no adult conversation for days when hubby,s out of town.Being a stay at home Mom is one of the most difficult jobs out there…omg do you realize we are raising the Mom,s Dr.s and leaders of the World..etc
I am a SAHM and I always feel alone. I live in a town that I don’t know alot of people. I thought of joining a mother’s day out club or going to story time at our local library. I love my children but I still miss the interaction with adults.
I am a week into being a SAHM.feeling alone and overwhelmed and having it affect my relationship with my husband has been a fear of mine as much as I have been looking forward to not working. So far it has been wonderful but those same feeling have crossed me even before. My new squish is just days away from being here and I hope I can handle everything.
I Nodded vigorously as I read the title! I felt this right away and felt guilty about it.
This is beautifully written, and so true for almost every mother, I think. <3
Yes. So much this. I’ve had a major change in my life, too, since becoming a mother. I went from working full time to staying at home with our lo full time and moving to a new city. I balance feeling grateful for the opportunity to stay home and be with our lo with this feeling of loneliness. I seriously don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have internet mom friends. : /
I can completely relate. I feel that we, as mothers, tend to lose ourselves in being everything for everyone else. Sometimes it’s necessary and important to do something for us, whether we take a hot bath, go to the store alone, etc.
Going from having a nine year old to having two under two in two years time I definitely suddenly felt alone, left out because of the kids
Oh my, Mindy. I must admit, that I came here due to a giveaway, but what I found was something I’ve done , just as you, in the past hours. Writing down these feelings and getting so close to “publish”, before pressing backspace. I must admit, vulnerability is not my forte. Nor could I have written my thoughts as eloquently as you. I needed to read this today. Thank you, Divine intervention.
Anna, that means so much to me. Thank you for sharing with me.
If only we could become a ‘village’ again and allow others to come into our lives. I only know a handful of my neighbors and I’m guessing that exactly none of them know what I struggle with, nor do I fully know theirs.
I just wish my significant other was more understanding of what I go through as a stay at home parent. He works with his friends so it’s more like hanging out than a job to him. And some days he goes to open gym after work to play basketball with his friends. He comes home after a good day out of the house while I’ve been stuck in the house with 2 young kids, no car and no adult socialization.
I think most moms feel this way. I know I do. My boys are grown and now I am helping my son raise my grandchildren as he has primary custody of them. I really enjoy this but I find myself feeling lonely often. I think I need to take more me time and find a great hobby. Thank you so much for sharing this great article
Thank you for this. I understand exactly how you feel. And yet I can never explain this to non mothers- they just never seem to get it. And making “mom friends” is so hard for all of us. I wish there were some solution, other than facebook.
This is very truthful and I appreciate reading this reflection. Many mothers experience these feelings and never get a chance to share their struggles with others. Thanks for bringing these realities into the light!
This is very very true. I always hope there is an answer, maybe in another culture or system. Yet. I think for all it is lonely and hard. Yet, the starkness of the joy, fullfillment and fun outweighs it at the end of most days.
I love this post, so meaningful,emotional, and true! I also love that quote, it explains it all. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I agree. I can get wrapped up in so much at home. I need more adult interaction and date nights with my hubby!
I’m pregnant with my first child, I’m due in May. I am so excited about being a SAHM, I hope I can work through the loneliness and am able to enjoy my family .
I wish I would have been more prepared for this. Thank you.
I have definitely felt this. My husband is great, but I just don’t think a guy can possibly fully understand.
Thank you for putting this out there. I felt intense loneliness when my first was born. Then I got mad at myself for it (foolish I know). I wasn’t comfortable nursing in front of others at first, and my son was a snacker, so I felt like I was always leaving to sit alone with my son (who wasn’t much of a conversationalist as he nursed 😉 ha ha). I am a people person. I remember begging friends who stopped for a quick visit to stay. They said they didn’t want to tire me out, but I longed for their company and to hear about the “real world” for a bit longer. I felt kinda desperate actually. Thankfully it got better, but I don’t think I’d felt this kind of loneliness ever before, even when moving to a new city, completely alone, to start school without my husband and not knowing a soul.
I am not a mom yet myself but I have friends who are and they express the same opinion as you. You’re doing a great job at a very hard job.
Love this site.
We are all different,and I think everyone experiencing this,but we go ahead !
This is such a great post. I think every mother needs to take time out for herself.
I enjoy reading your posts, Mindy, & I think this blog is fantastic. I’m a SAHM since last year, and I sometimes do feel lonely too. There are many opportunities for friendship (at the kids’ schools, the library, etc), but I don’t know why I’m reluctant to commit to opening up myself to new friends. Maybe I’m an introvert. Maybe I feel tired. So, I pester hubby for stories… Luckily, I have my mom – she’s my best girl friend, while hubby’s my best boy friend. 😀 And a few good friends that I keep in touch with now & then. Despite the occasional loneliness, I feel truly blessed & thankful for the opportunity to be a SAHM.
Hi Zurainny! I’m so glad to have you as a reader! I love meeting new people and I’m finding that things are a little less lonely with the spring and more neighbors outdoors. My husband is my best friend too. 🙂 Thank you for sharing a bit of your life with me.
Wow. Thank you for writing this. I’m glad you got past the writing without a happy ending because that truth can be what we need to heal that loneliness sometimes. It’s so powerful to know that we’re not alone. I never wanted to be a SAHM but I’ve learned we each need to make the most of our situations because we are mostly living for our children. I have so many dreams for the future that I feel get left on hold but I try to enjoy the happy times so that these moments can help through the lonely ones.