Dangers are everywhere for our kids. We thought we knew them – cars, clowns, strangers, table edges, parking lots, cars, tiny toys, the sun, water, loud music, Kinder Eggs, peanut butter – but it seems parents these days simply can not be trusted. Parents should be aware of every potential danger, never get overwhelmed, and certainly never make any mistakes.
In the old days, a child might fall down a well, get lost, or ride their bike behind a car backing up and our community would rally around the grieving parents in support. Not today. Today we know better. Today we know who to immediately blame: Irresponsible Parents. And blame them mercilessly and without pity we will.
Don’t Be Caught Unprepared
Even though it’s impossible to be prepared for every possible calamity, parents are expected to be anyway. You could simply keep your kids constantly at home with bubble wrapped walls (Just $199 if you order in the next 20 minutes!) or you could be prepared for any possible dangers with the patent-pending Child Safety Bubble!
The Child Safety Bubble comes in 5 sizes: x-small, small, medium, large, and XL (for those tricky college years). The moment your baby is born the perfect way, simply slip her in the x-small Child Safety Bubble and she will be safe for life (these claims have not been evaluated by anyone with authority). As your child grows, simply use our Bubble Mover to transfer her into the next size, preventing your child from ever being exposed to any dangers (or learning to use good judgment, overcome challenges, or learn independence).
Living in a Bubble
We tried exposing our kids to the world – pollution, other kids, germs, animals, and life in general – but it’s simply too risky. When we became too afraid to let the kids out of the house, our parents said, “What are you going to do? Have your children live in a bubble all of their lives?” We ignored the sarcasm and immediately responded, “Yes! Yes, we are!” and The Child Safety Bubble was born.
Our children simply love living in a bubble and we love not being criticized when we aren’t prepared for animal attacks, viruses, steep stairs, bug bites, going up slides, or anything else that could open us up to criticism! Sure, the bubble means our kids can’t fit through some doors, sit in a classroom, ride a bicycle, or try new things in general, but we think it’s worth it.
How the Bubble Works
Science is boring, so we don’t want to bore you with a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo. The Child Safety Bubble keeps your precious ones inside a sterilized plastic bubble that can not be popped, broken, run over, or damaged in any way. We like to compare The Child Safety Bubble to a hamster ball and you know how happy hamsters look all of the time!
The bubble spins as your child moves, allowing him to walk seamlessly from place to place without tripping, bumping, or interacting with any outside object at all! Don’t get us confused with that Bubble Boy movie where he bumps into everything! Not that you would be foolish enough to expose your child to any dangers, but just in case you have to trust another adult with their care, the Bubble:
- Floats in water.
- Can survive any fall.
- Prevents exposure to anything.
- Stops your child before they can experiment, test, or really try anything.
- Rings an alarm when your child even thinks something mischievous.
- Weighted to keep your child from moving quickly or from being moved by anyone.
- Remote control and voice command options remove any concerns about pesky things like will, self-control, or agency.
- Makes you immune to criticism* (*except from those irresponsible parents who think kids should “experience” things. Who cares what they think anyway?)
The Future of Parenting
Sure, only 50 people have purchased The Child Safety Bubble so far, but we know it’s the wave of the future. We’re so confident in our product, we are offering a Lifetime Child Safety Package with all 5 sizes (plus a bonus XXL Bubble) for just 20 payments of $19.99. You can’t put a price tag on peace of mind, but that’s $100 in savings!
Disclaimer: The Child Safety Bubble does not make your child immune to bullying or staring. The Child Safety Bubble is guaranteed for 12 months from date of purchase. After that, you’re on your own.