Depression vs a Bad Day

Discouragement presses on my shoulders like an actual, physical weight. It pulls on my eyelids and makes me feel groggy and heavy. This is more than a bad day. This is depression.

For me, depression means more than a bad day. How do I know today is depression vs a bad day? I know because I’ve had bad days before and they feel different. I feel different.

Today:

I’m staring at never-ending piles of laundry. For the past week, I’ve folded them and then never quite finish in a day. The kids rifle through the piles for clean clothes and the baby makes a game of unfolding and carrying the laundry around the room. I go to complete the project and my feet feel like weights holding me back.

I just vacuumed and there is now a trail of Cheerios from a cup my 4 year-old gave to the baby to “help” while I went to the bathroom. I should vacuum them up, but think “What’s the point?” The question is clearly about more than cereal.

I’ve been grocery shopping and I put the frozen and refrigerated stuff away, but the rest is still waiting in bags on the kitchen floor, taunting me with thoughts that such a simple task seems challenging.

Library books wait to light up my mind, but I’m turning on The Next Great Baker again.

I want to organize, so I click to Pinterest and feel paralyzed by the cost and effort. I’m destined to live in a disaster zone.

My husband is encouraging me to continue with my novel and I want to, but I’m just sitting here.

A  hundred blog ideas run through my head, but I can’t complete them.

I need a shower, but I threw on some clothes.

I suddenly feel like bursting into tears and I just want to crawl back under the covers and hide.

Failure heckles me around every corner and I grimace at the day ahead.

I didn’t feel this way yesterday. I probably won’t tomorrow. I’m taking my medicine, my marriage is in a fantastic place, and I’m looking forward to moving into our new house. The way I feel today is something I can not explain.

This is depression. We think of it as this paralyzing pit of despair. But it’s often a bad day, with an extra side of exhausted, drained, overwhelmed, and unmotivated.

Meditation can help. Good nutrition can help. Therapy can help. Medicine can  help. Self care can  help. For many of us, though, these bad days still come.

When depression means more than a bad day, I have to tackle my day differently. Today, I won’t shame myself for depression or dig a deeper hole to climb into.

I will drink more water and let my body rest. I will take one thing at a time and celebrate small accomplishments. I will open the blinds to let the sun in and cuddle my kids. I will take care of myself today and not forecast tomorrow with fear.